EVERY COACHELLA 2016 BAND REVIEWED WITH SNARK AND BREVITY

Though it's my own objective opinion, I'm right. Trust me. Here they are, and in alphabetical order, with a star-rating where appropriate (no stars = forgettable):

AC Slater - pedestrian House music
Adam Beyer - ambient beat repetition
Alessia Cara - over-emotive dime-a-dozen lady soul-pop
Algiers - political post-electro punk (***)
Alunageorge - cutesy electro-soul (***)
Alvvays - lady jangle-pop (****)
Amine Edge & Dance - repeated sample House music
Anderson.Paak - imaginative retro-funk hip-hop (****)
The Arcs - neo-psychedelic roots rock starring Dan Auerbach (****)
Autolux - revamped ponderous quasi-shoegaze
Baauer - non-starter trap crap
Badbadnotgood - organic kid jazz spaceout with Flying Lotus as a fan (****)
Bat For Lashes - avant-garde ice queen (***)
BORNS - glammy electro-pop (****)
Beach House - Ethereal dream-jangle with better early albums (***)
Black Coffee - vibey, palm tree, up-with-people, soul DJ (***)
The Black Madonna - melodic forgettable EDM
Bob Moses - long-winded mopey MOR Starbucks techno
Calvin Harris - pulse-quickening rave maestro who keeps finding T-Swift's hair in his suitcase (****)
Carla Morison - Spanish weepy torch singer Adele wannabe
Cassy - beat-centric repetitive House music
The Chainsmokers - more fucking mellow electro
Chris Stapleton - unlike Sturgill Simpson, actual sentimental country pap
Christin & Queens - French female version of Perfume Genius
Chronixx - neo-dub reggae (***)
Chvrches - one-note, over-emotive, overrated, anthemic pop-wave nonsense
Claptone - sensitive electro-pop man-child
Cloves - elegaic vocally-affected lady soundtrack music (***)
Cold War Kids - corporate-sounding over-produced anthem rock with good hooks (***)
Courtney Barnett - tuneless rock chick with great rapid-fire lyrics (****)
Crystal Fighters - upbeat hippie tribal hackeysack wincing earnestness (***)
The Damned - old school Goth punk here to show kids how it's done (*****)
De Lux - post-punk infectious grooves with vocal dead-ringer for David Byrne (****)
The Dead Ships - self-conscious garage rock (****)
Deafheaven - the only representative of symphonic black metal this year (****)
Death Grips - sneering violent hip-hop intensity mocks palm trees
Deerhunter - lo-fi hipster glam with a history of hooks (****)
Disclosure - world class techno-pop (***)
DMA's - post-punk power-pop with an emo-core center (****)
Edward Sharpe & Magnetic Zeros - neo-hippie mid-tempo freakout (***)
Ellie Goulding - ethereal, postured, pop songstress
Epik High - Korean emo-pop-punk
Ex-Hex - lady rock riffing, essentially The Donnas-lite (****)
Flume - trap conformity with ubiquitous guest vocalists
Foals - epic drama-rock (****)
Frances - sob-worthy as Adele's old boyfriend pillow
The Front Bottoms - over-enunciated Verizon Amphitheater rock
Fur Coat - bland as bathwater House anti-revival
Gallant - slow-ass sex jams for virgins
Gary Clark Jr - guitar god still building his throne (****)
George Fitzgerald - pedestrian Sahara tent automation
Girlpool - low-fi atonal indie-girl posturing for college freshmen
GoGo Penguin - pensive authentic classical jazz (****)
Goldroom - decent rave-shit with guest vocalists (***)
Grimes - compelling weirdo astral avant-pop lady (****)
Guns N Roses - the oxymoron of being both non-lethal and old smelling despite their name
Halsey - another blanket-clutching slow-ass crybaby
Haelos - boring trip-hop with female whining
HEALTH - aggro-techno, like if NIN and The Big Pink had a baby (***)
The Heavy - retro-soul grandpa with tight band and minimal range (***)
Hudson Mohawk - majestic and varied dubstep trap (****)
Ibeyi - mid-tempo melodrama with typewriter beats for kokopellis
Ida Engberg - overlong extended trance remixes
Jack U - dubtrap supergroup falling short of greatness (***)
James Bay - bring a sleeping bag for the Lunesta vibe, and earplugs for his voice
Joey Bada$$ - boasty forgettable rap shit
John Digweed - trancey housey name-brand electro
Joywave - not too shabby budget Hot Chip (***)
Justin Martin - upbeat sun-splashed electro (***)
Kamasi Washington - cosmic longform jazz aka the real deal (****)
The Kills - razorblade guitar distortion duo with sneering lady vox (***)
KSHMR - diverting ethno-techno (***)
Lapsley - more Adele-inspired tear-stained tissue pop
The Last Shadow Puppets - neo-noir 1960s Britpop w/ Arctic Monkeys frontman (****)
LCD Soundsystem - un-retired indie-dance darling with undeniable hookage (*****)
Lemaitre - top shelf dubtrap with special guests (****)
Lido - continuously-sampled voice-modulated trap flavor-of-the-week (***)
Lord Huron - indie folk epics for pensive Voltaire long-hairs (****)
Lost Frequencies - mellow DJ, enough said
Louis The Child - genre-hopping electro-technician with a few tricks (***)
Lush - upbeat 90s lady-led shoegaze reunion (****)
M83 - bedroom studio to arena, drama-queen new-wavers (****)
Maceoplex - cold impenetrable tiresome House music
Major Lazer - beat-hopping spider with multiple house-party guests (*****)
Mano Le Tough - sleepytime chamomile techno from a distant tent
Marco Carola - is merely another DJ
Matoma - pop techno where all the songs are sad about something
Matt & Kim - nursery rhyme indie chant-pop (***)
Matthew Dear - dark trance with a humid Amazonian vibe (***)
Mavis Staples - soul grandma with killer pipes who loves her Jesus (***)
Mbongwana Star - wheelchair-bound Congolese minimalist groove-crafter (***)
Meg Meyers - more teen diary drama, overwrought vocals, and an album actually called "Sorry"
Melody's Echo Chamber - ghostly psychedelic Franco-pop (****)
Miami Horror - poolside chillout disco (****)
Miike Snow - slick indie synth pop (***)
Mint Field - Spanish Goth rock with senorita singer (***)
Moon Taxi - sentimental commercialized indie with a great name
Mr. Cormack - home studio remixing stuck in a soundcloud
Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats - retro-grooving bear on a dusty porch (****)
Nic Fanciuli - indistinguishable House repetition
Nicole Moudaber - spooky industrial extended plays
Nina Kraviz - euro-cool electro-pop singer/DJ (***)
Nina Las Vegas - twiddling knobs and trying to remember where the car's parked
Nora En Pure - chillwave vibes for beach gazebos (***)
Nosaj Thing - lugubrious indie hip-hop for the fedora set
Of Monsters & Men - blandness with epic aspirations
Parov Stelar - EDM for flappers and ragtime liquor salesmen (***)
Pete Yorn - past-his-heyday emo-folkie
Phases - Bouncy 80s-retro Tron-pop with femme vox (***)
Prayers - darkwave electro-Cholos
Protoje - neo-reggae toasting to your dirty espadrilles (***)
Purity Ring - stadium-ready lady drama for budding Jon Green readers
Rae Sremmurd - upstart chest-puffing boy rappers with mad hooks (***)
Rancid - 90s ska punkers with one good album (***)
Rufus Du Sol - pedestrian cabana tunes for after hours lounging
Rhye - yet another girl with eyelash boogers from crying so hard
RL Grime - welcome music for cities built by machines for machines (***)
Robert DeLong - indie singer/songwriter winking at his irrelevance
Run The Jewels - industry-standard dorm room hip-hop with Bernie supporter Killer Mike
Sam Feldt - will be sitting unrecognizable with other DJs on the shuttle bus
Sasha - will also be there saying, "But, hello, I'm Sasha".
Savages - sexy butch noise rock for dimly-lit frottage parties (****)
SG Lewis - just another number called at the DMV of heartbroken emo-electro
Shamir - foppish rapping Urkel
Sheer Mag - lo-fi garage rock fronted by your friend's hard-partying sister (****)
SIA - hook-tossing pop singer in indie clothing, but it's a spectacular wardrobe (****)
Silversun Pickups - are picking up where Smashing Pumpkins left off (***)
Skepta - mid-tempo grime rapper with obligatory guest singers
Skin - 90s hair band from Obsoleteville
SNAILS - off-the-hook fatty dubstep delivering sub-woofer incontinence (***)
Snakehips - filed along with many others under "mid-tempo EDM with vocals"
SOPHIE - rubbery industrial avant-pop strangeness (***)
Soul Clap - someone who plays funk, but I mean "plays" it on a turntable or iPod
Steady Holiday - noirish cinematic female with nice flourishes (****)
St. Germain - head-bopping low-key ethnocentric pastiche
Strangers You Know - Ambien-soaked crybaby pretty boys
Sufjan Stevens - legendary quasi-religious folkie with a warm sleeping bag (****)
Swarvy - sample-laden sunny DJ good times (***)
SZA - didn't realize how many other women were weeping on their drum machines
Tchami - read the memo about mellow EDM crap and signed up
Tei Chi - eerie lady vox soundscapes
Tensnake - funky dance man for dancing funky and just letting go, man (***)
The 1975 - slinky hormonal pop boy band named a decade too early (***)
Thomas Jack - more electro-emotional DJ-ing where dancing isn't expected
Tokimonsta - lady touches machine and chill music comes out
Underworld - reunited 90s industrial band hopes you saw "Trainspotting"
Unknown Mortal Orchestra - psychedelic think-funk ascension (****)
The Vandals - beer punk for 80s skaters
Vanic - add tepid pop to trap, which is just slowed-down dance music
Vince Staples - rapper with dragged-down tempos and more n-words than "Hateful Eight"
Volbeat - budget Queens Of The Stone Age for karaoke bros
Wolf Alice - clever female-fronted indie rock with a bagful of nuance (****)
Years & Years - boy pop marketed for tween brains
Young Fathers - thought-provoking blend of post-rock and hip-hop (****)
Zedd - panoramic EDM with wild impulses (***)
Zella Day - electro chanteuse with a photogenic face
ZHU - moody electro-soul-pop with falsetto vocals