I wrote this back in 2008 as a MySpace blog. Just re-read and found it to still be a totally relevant satire. Please enjoy.
I thank the God of Pussy I was made 6'1'' with a thick head of hair. Seriosly, alls I have to do is, like, SHOW UP and I'm knee deep in the tang.
Here's how it works, bro-bro. I was all shy and shit in grade school, but I had thick dark hair and eyebrows, so the little chicklets dug me, so I came outta my shell pretty fast.
In high school I got tall, so I went out for basketball mostly cuz all the varsity guys got mad pussy. A lot of girls were into my shit, so I learned how to juggle their asses. Besides, when you're tall with thick hair, a bitch will take just about any mess from you.
So I graduate and shit. Now I'm all ripped from b-ball, and tan from being out in the sun with bitches on river rafting trips or whatever. I ace every job interview cuz I'm happy from being tall, tan, thick-haired and muscular. And if it's a LADY interviewing me, fucking forget about it, you KNOW I got that job.
Now I gots some money to play with, so I get like a Celtic tattoo and like a fucking dragon on my back. Add a baseball cap for my fave basketball team, a wifebeater and grow some chin scruff, and HELLO! You can actually feel the magnetic pull of pussy.
Okay, I was a little freaked this one time. I went to this bar on Franklin and there was this guy, kinda skinny, but decent looking. Hilarious and smart as shit. Everybody was like totally digging him. It turned out cool, though. His problem was he was only like 5'8" and his hair was all kinda wispy blonde. By the end of the night the chicks were all over ME, because he'd got them all in a good mood and they were totally ready and wet for a tall, tan, thick-haired, tattooed, scruffy dude with a ballcap and a wifebeater. I didn't even have to fucking TALK. They thought I was all super sensitive and quiet and shit.
So I took the hottest chick home, but gave my number to three others. Keep your options open I say. As far as being all super clever, I find just pretending to listen will get you pussy. Just ask a bitch some questions, like, "What's your favorite music?" and then be all like, "Really? Yeah, (insert shitty girl singer here)'s pretty cool." Or ask, "What's your favorite movie?" and then be all like, "Awesome! I totally dug (Notting Hill/Titanic/Princess Bride/Beaches/You Got Mail/Just Like Heaven) too!" Hell, I could even say, "What's your favorite color?" and be all like, "I wasn't listening, but that's a cool color and shit", and she'd be all, "Mr. tall, dark and handsome, please fuck me".
Which brings us to the sex. Pump away, bro--you know your shoe size. That's a no-brainer. If she complains you're not looking at her say, "I'm tall, so if I keep looking down at you I'll get a fucking crick in my neck". Then suggest she get on top, so you can just lay back and shit. The next morning, go, "I'm hungry." and she'll fucking hop out of bed and make you breakfast. Alls you gotta do is fold your arms behind your head, show off your tan biceps and tats, and maybe say, "Uh-huh. Really? Ha-ha." She'll do anything to keep you whether you're worth a shit or not.
That poor asswipe at the bar probably has to be all super funny in the morning and cook breakfast for HER for the exact same reason.
So anyways, for all you brodacious bro-bros and dudes out there, my advice, if you wanna get the pussy is follow these ten sure-fire tips:
1. Try to be 5'11" or taller, but don't be over 6'6" cuz then you're all freaky and lanky and shit.
2. Run around and get some sun. Cuz then you'll be all tan and ripped and pussy-ready.
3. Get a cool awesome job, which is easy cuz you're fucking hot.
4. With the money, get some tatts. Like a Celtic armband and a wild animal, a cougar or fucking grizzly maybe. Or maybe get all edgy with some vines on your neck. A girl will practically fuck a highway cone because it's hard and represents danger. That's what tats are.
5. Try to have thick hair. Brunette is better than blonde. Dye it if you have to, or get a real super realistic-looking wig. Otherwise I can't help you.
6. Buy a wifebeater and a ballcap. But take the hat off once in a while to show you gots thick dark hair. Dudes who always wear hats got a baldy ring.
7. Pretend to like what a bitch likes and laugh at any silly shit she says. At least for the first two months. Then you can be all sullen and pop her one once in awhile. This'll make her all, "What did I do wrong?" and make her try harder.
8. Keep your options open. You're fucking hot. There's always greener pussy at the end of the rainbow, or however the saying goes. She dug you because you were a fucking caveman, so be a caveman. Eat, growl and hunt pussy.
9. Always try to have a 5 o'clock shadow. It's like the the Pussy God's own danger tattoo on your face.
10. Don't sweat the puny, hilarious, intelligent, sensitive, caring dude at the end of the bar. Just laugh along with everybody else. The only girl whose going home with him is some pear-shaped, mom-haired, castaway. And, even if she claims to have scruples and is into books and shit, she'd still fuck you in a heart-beat if you gave her the chance, because tall, dark and handsome dudes are every bitch's guilty or not-so-guilty pleasure.
There you have it, Mr. Bro-tastic. Words to fucking live by. Follow my advice and you'll get some. Just don't swoop on mine or cock-block me and I promise the same. Peace out.
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