Comedians I Don't Hate

Since I hate most comedians to the point where people ask, "Do you just hate comedy?" I'd like to clarify I merely think most of today's comedians are lazy (I'm talking to YOU Dane Cook, Anthony Jeselnek and, increasingly, Sarah Silverman). That's not to say the comedians I hate don't make me laugh with some of their routines, and I know many of them have to pander to the mob after a two-drink minimum, but C'MON! Let's stop going for the easy "race, weight, midget, retard" stuff and aim a little higher than a frat boy's Cro-Magnon skull. For your enjoyment, here's a list of routines I'm inspired by (even though some contain the aforementioned offenses).

The Santa Claus Insanity Clause

Not sure why they took away the "fonts" feature (I hate Times New Roman), but here's a slew of Christmas mayhem featuring lots of crazy Santas and music.

Top Ten Pick-Up Lines For Hot Guys To Use On Hot Girls!

I find these work wonders! Try them today!

 10 pick-up lines right here, right now:

• 1. I come here often. I was going to ask if you do, but then I'd look unobservant.
  2. Thank you for returning my menacing stare. At first I thought you were just angry about not having a boyfriend.
  3. Can I buy you a cocktail with a sexually-suggestive title? Like a Miller Genuine Draft?
  4. What do you say to a game of nude human Jenga?
  5. I like your shoes. I'm not gay; I'm just being flattering. Now it's your turn.
  6. Do you know the symptoms of rattlesnake bite? I heard it feels a lot like meeting a hot chick.
  7. Pardon me smiling, I was just fantasizing about you as my night-shift manager at McDonald's right after we closed the drive-thru window.
  8. My therapist said I should talk to girls more. You'd really like him. Here's his card.
  9. Free hugs! Free harmless lonely desperate hugs! Except for you. Only suave meaningful sophisticated embraces for you.
  10. You. Me. Hump. Now. Then. Watch. TiVo.
• 
  Also let me know how this works for you, ladies. My mutant brother is horny as hell.