The Santa Claus Insanity Clause

Not sure why they took away the "fonts" feature (I hate Times New Roman), but here's a slew of Christmas mayhem featuring lots of crazy Santas and music.

Old School Funk & Soul Christmas

Remember the character Venus Flytrap from "WKRP In Cincinatti"? Pretend he came over with a crate of records to help you along with your baking and decorating. He's going to expect a baby-oil massage afterward, though.

Blanconada's Devil Blues Volume 1

I'm a collector of sinister blues songs, preferably before 1960. I don't like sad lovelorn blues where the protagonists have been done wrong and aren't doing anything about it except crying or turning their eyes to Jesus. I like songs about sex, violence and Black Magic. And I don't like clean BB King bullshit that's lit by a soft neon Budweiser light. George Thorogood can kiss my balls. Here's a dirty, mean and diabolical mix (the songs are available on iTunes). It's the perfect length for your standard 80-minute CD-R. Enjoy, sinners.

1. Lightning Slim - I'm Evil
2. John Lee Hooker - Boom Boom
3. Slim Harpo - I'm A King Bee
4. Charles Sheffield - Voodoo Working
5. Elmore James - Shake Your Money Maker
6. Muddy Waters - Hoochie Coochie Man
7. Howlin' Wolf - Evil
8. Willie Dixon - 29 Ways
9. Frankie Sims - Lucy Mae Blues
10. L. B. Renoir - Talk To Your Daughter
11. Muddy Waters - I Can't Be Satisfied
12. Lightnin' Hopkins - Mojo Hand
13. Junior Wells - Hoodoo Man
14. Tabby Thomas - Hoodoo Party
15. John Lee Hooker - Crawlin' King Snake
16. Jimmy Reed - Going Upside Your Head
17. Johnny Guitar Watson - Gangster Of Love
18. Bo Diddley - I'm A Man
19. Otis Rush - All Your Love (I Miss Lovin')
20. Junior Wells - Messing With The Kid
21. Muddy Waters - Got My Mojo Working
22. Howlin' Wolf - I Ain't Superstitious
23. Hound Dog Taylor - Give Me Back My Wig
24. Slim Harpo - Got Love If You Want It
25. Otis Spann - Must've Been The Devil
26. Lightnin' Hopkins - Black Cat Bone
27. Robert Johnson - Me & The Devil

Top Ten Movies Of 2006

1. The Devil & Daniel Johnston
2. Shortbus
3. Pan's Labyrinth
4. Thank You For Smoking
5. United 93
6. Stranger Than Fiction
7. Quincinera
8. The Prestige
9. Slither
10. Borat

Honorable mention: The Departed, The Devil Wears Prada, Little Miss Sunshine

Top Ten Movies Of 2005

1. Me & You & Everyone You Know (Miranda July)
2. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (Shane Black)
3. Syriana (Stephen Gaghan)
4. Brokeback Mountain (Ang Lee)
5. Junebug (Phil Morrison)
6. Walk The Line (James Mangold)
7. Tarnation (Jonathan Caouette)
8. Shopgirl (Anand Tucker)
9. Pride & Prejudice (Joe Wright)
10. Crash (Paul Haggis)

Mostly small name directors this year. Weird.

Top Ten Pick-Up Lines For Hot Guys To Use On Hot Girls!

I find these work wonders! Try them today!

 10 pick-up lines right here, right now:

• 1. I come here often. I was going to ask if you do, but then I'd look unobservant.
  2. Thank you for returning my menacing stare. At first I thought you were just angry about not having a boyfriend.
  3. Can I buy you a cocktail with a sexually-suggestive title? Like a Miller Genuine Draft?
  4. What do you say to a game of nude human Jenga?
  5. I like your shoes. I'm not gay; I'm just being flattering. Now it's your turn.
  6. Do you know the symptoms of rattlesnake bite? I heard it feels a lot like meeting a hot chick.
  7. Pardon me smiling, I was just fantasizing about you as my night-shift manager at McDonald's right after we closed the drive-thru window.
  8. My therapist said I should talk to girls more. You'd really like him. Here's his card.
  9. Free hugs! Free harmless lonely desperate hugs! Except for you. Only suave meaningful sophisticated embraces for you.
  10. You. Me. Hump. Now. Then. Watch. TiVo.
• 
  Also let me know how this works for you, ladies. My mutant brother is horny as hell.

Advice For The Discerning Gentleman (Top 10 Tips For Hot Guys!)

     I wrote this back in 2008 as a MySpace blog. Just re-read and found it to still be a totally relevant satire. Please enjoy.

     I thank the God of Pussy I was made 6'1'' with a thick head of hair. Seriosly, alls I have to do is, like, SHOW UP and I'm knee deep in the tang.
     Here's how it works, bro-bro. I was all shy and shit in grade school, but I had thick dark hair and eyebrows, so the little chicklets dug me, so I came outta my shell pretty fast.
     In high school I got tall, so I went out for basketball mostly cuz all the varsity guys got mad pussy. A lot of girls were into my shit, so I learned how to juggle their asses. Besides, when you're tall with thick hair, a bitch will take just about any mess from you.
     So I graduate and shit. Now I'm all ripped from b-ball, and tan from being out in the sun with bitches on river rafting trips or whatever. I ace every job interview cuz I'm happy from being tall, tan, thick-haired and muscular. And if it's a LADY interviewing me, fucking forget about it, you KNOW I got that job.
     Now I gots some money to play with, so I get like a Celtic tattoo and like a fucking dragon on my back. Add a baseball cap for my fave basketball team, a wifebeater and grow some chin scruff, and HELLO! You can actually feel the magnetic pull of pussy.
     Okay, I was a little freaked this one time. I went to this bar on Franklin and there was this guy, kinda skinny, but decent looking. Hilarious and smart as shit. Everybody was like totally digging him. It turned out cool, though. His problem was he was only like 5'8" and his hair was all kinda wispy blonde. By the end of the night the chicks were all over ME, because he'd got them all in a good mood and they were totally ready and wet for a tall, tan, thick-haired, tattooed, scruffy dude with a ballcap and a wifebeater. I didn't even have to fucking TALK. They thought I was all super sensitive and quiet and shit.
     So I took the hottest chick home, but gave my number to three others. Keep your options open I say. As far as being all super clever, I find just pretending to listen will get you pussy. Just ask a bitch some questions, like, "What's your favorite music?" and then be all like, "Really? Yeah, (insert shitty girl singer here)'s pretty cool." Or ask, "What's your favorite movie?" and then be all like, "Awesome! I totally dug (Notting Hill/Titanic/Princess Bride/Beaches/You Got Mail/Just Like Heaven) too!" Hell, I could even say, "What's your favorite color?" and be all like, "I wasn't listening, but that's a cool color and shit", and she'd be all, "Mr. tall, dark and handsome, please fuck me".
     Which brings us to the sex. Pump away, bro--you know your shoe size. That's a no-brainer. If she complains you're not looking at her say, "I'm tall, so if I keep looking down at you I'll get a fucking crick in my neck". Then suggest she get on top, so you can just lay back and shit. The next morning, go, "I'm hungry." and she'll fucking hop out of bed and make you breakfast. Alls you gotta do is fold your arms behind your head, show off your tan biceps and tats, and maybe say, "Uh-huh. Really? Ha-ha." She'll do anything to keep you whether you're worth a shit or not.
     That poor asswipe at the bar probably has to be all super funny in the morning and cook breakfast for HER for the exact same reason.
     So anyways, for all you brodacious bro-bros and dudes out there, my advice, if you wanna get the pussy is follow these ten sure-fire tips:
     1. Try to be 5'11" or taller, but don't be over 6'6" cuz then you're all freaky and lanky and shit.
     2. Run around and get some sun. Cuz then you'll be all tan and ripped and pussy-ready.
     3. Get a cool awesome job, which is easy cuz you're fucking hot.
     4. With the money, get some tatts. Like a Celtic armband and a wild animal, a cougar or fucking grizzly maybe. Or maybe get all edgy with some vines on your neck. A girl will practically fuck a highway cone because it's hard and represents danger. That's what tats are.
     5. Try to have thick hair. Brunette is better than blonde. Dye it if you have to, or get a real super realistic-looking wig. Otherwise I can't help you.
     6. Buy a wifebeater and a ballcap. But take the hat off once in a while to show you gots thick dark hair. Dudes who always wear hats got a baldy ring.
     7. Pretend to like what a bitch likes and laugh at any silly shit she says. At least for the first two months. Then you can be all sullen and pop her one once in awhile. This'll make her all, "What did I do wrong?" and make her try harder.
     8. Keep your options open. You're fucking hot. There's always greener pussy at the end of the rainbow, or however the saying goes. She dug you because you were a fucking caveman, so be a caveman. Eat, growl and hunt pussy.
     9. Always try to have a 5 o'clock shadow. It's like the the Pussy God's own danger tattoo on your face.
     10. Don't sweat the puny, hilarious, intelligent, sensitive, caring dude at the end of the bar. Just laugh along with everybody else. The only girl whose going home with him is some pear-shaped, mom-haired, castaway. And, even if she claims to have scruples and is into books and shit, she'd still fuck you in a heart-beat if you gave her the chance, because tall, dark and handsome dudes are every bitch's guilty or not-so-guilty pleasure.
     There you have it, Mr. Bro-tastic. Words to fucking live by. Follow my advice and you'll get some. Just don't swoop on mine or cock-block me and I promise the same. Peace out.

Ten Names For Your Pet Duck

Heard you needed some names for your pet duck:

1. Pollo

2. Big Willy Bamps

3. Skarsgaard

4. Quack Cocaine

5. Johnny "the Waddles" Holmes

6. Nibbles McClassy

7. Cheap Eats on the DL

8. Stray Bullets

9. Drizz Double-Down

10. Governor of Grain

If you choose one of these give me credit, champ.

My Top-Ten Movies Of 2004

1. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
2. Napolean Dynamite
3. The Incredibles
4. Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban
5. The Aviator
6. Shaun Of The Dead
7. Sideways
8. Kinsey
9. I, Robot
10. Million Dollar Baby
11. Primer

Fun Facts for each film above:
1. Michel Gondry directed trippy music vids first. See Cibbo Matto's "Sugar Water", and "Let Forever Be" by the Chemical Brothers.
2. Jared Hess also directed "Nacho Libre". What happened with "Gentleman Broncos"?
3. Brad Bird (Iron Giant, Ratatouille) is making a foray into live-action with the new "Mission Impossible - Ghost Protocol".
4. Alfonso Cuaron made "Harry Potter 3" right after the sexy "Y Tu Mama Tambien".
5. Martin Scorsese finally won a damn Oscar.
6. Edgar Wright also directed "Hot Fuzz" and "Scott Pilgrim vs The World"
7. Alexander Payne already had an impressive resume with "About Schmidt", "Election" and "Citizen Ruth".
8. Bill Condon's next film was "Dreamgirls" which solidified Jennifer Hudson's career.
9. Alex Proyas (Dark City, The Crow) is currently directing "Paradise Lost" an action-heavy take on Milton's Heaven vs. Hell tale.
10. Clint Eastwood won Oscars for best picture & director. Hilary Swank & Morgan Freeman also won Oscars for their performances. Please explain "Hereafter".
11. "Primer" was an amazing, though methodical, quantum mind-bender. I'm looking forward to Shane Carruth's "A Topiary" due in 2013.

My Top-Ten Movies Of 2003

1. The Station Agent (Thomas McCarthy)
2. Lost In Translation (Sofia Coppola)
3. Winged Migration (Jacques Cluzaud)
4. Mystic River (Clint Eastwood)
5. Elf (Jon Favreau)
6. Big Fish (Tim Burton)
7. Finding Nemo (Andrew Stanton)
8. Magdalene Sisters (Peter Mullan)
9. In America (Jim Sheridan)
10. American Splendor (Shari Springer Berman)
11. School Of Rock (Richard Linklater)
12. Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King (Peter Jackson)

My Top-Ten Movies Of 2002

1. Spirited Away
2. The Kid Stays In The Picture
3. Igby Goes Down
4. Monsoon Wedding
5. Punch-Drunk Love
6. Road To Perdition
7. About A Boy
8. Insomnia (U.S.)
9. Thirteen Conversations About One Thing
10. The Ring

My Top-Ten Movies Of 2001

This year a lot of my favorite movies had a stylized storyboarded feel. In fact, Ghost World and From Hell were adapted from graphic novels.

1. Amelie (Juno & Caro)
2. Mulholland Drive (David Lynch)
3. Ghost World (Terry Zwigoff)
4. Donnie Darko (Richard Kelly)
5. The Others (Alejandro Amenabar)
6. Royal Tenenbaums (Wes Anderson)
7. Lord Of The Rings (Peter jackson)
8. Waking Life (Richard Linklater)
9. Anniversary Party (Alan Cumming, Jen Jason Leigh)
10. From Hell (Hughes Brothers)

Honorable Mention: Sexy Beast, Monster's Ball, Shallow Hal, Iris

The Definitive Rapture Party Playlist

Rapture prophecies come and go, as do the fanatics who try to sell them to us. This Sunday, May 22, 2011, will be yet another day after a supposed second coming of Jesus Christ. Perhaps you should take this opportunity to invite your friends over for a BBQ and use this playlist to make everybody dance, laugh and feel thankful we're the sane ones.

For your convenience, here's a link to my YouTube page where I've assembled them in the same order to play continuously: 



1. The Trammps - Disco Inferno 
2. R.E.M - It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)
3. Blondie - Rapture
4. Curtis Mayfield - If There's Hell Below (We're All Gonna Go)
5. Pretty Things - Judgement Day
6. The Cure - Grinding Halt
7. Gene Vincent - Race With The Devil
8. Pixies - Monkey Gone To Heaven
9. Eddie Money - Two Tickets To Paradise
10. Belinda Carlisle - Heaven Is A Place On Earth
11. Talking Heads - Heaven
12. Prince - 1999
13. U2 - Until The End Of The World
14. Barry McGuire - Eve Of Destruction
15. Europe - The Final Countdown
16. Meat Puppets - Lake Of Fire
17. The Clash - Four Horsemen
18. AC/DC - Highway To Hell
19. Def Leppard - Armageddon It
20. Eduard Khil - Trololo (just because, damn it)
21. Tavares - Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel
22. XTC - Dear God 
23. Elvis Presley - Devil In Disguise
24. The Cramps - Zombie Dance
25. The Angels - My Boyfriend's Back
26. Antoine Dodson - Bed Intruder Song (trust me it works, looters!)
27. The Cure - The Blood
28. Flock Of Seagulls - I Ran
29. Modern English - Melt With You
30. Michael McDonald - Ya Mo B There
31. Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear The Reaper
32. Johnny Cash - When The Man Comes Around
33. Rolling Stones - Get Off Of My Cloud
34. David Bowie - Five Years
35. Paradise City - Guns N' Roses
36. Electric Light Orchestra - All Over The World
37. Rebecca Black - Friday
38. Village People - Y.M.C.A (Jesus on the cross makes the first "Y")
39. Janis Joplin - Mercedes Benz
40. John Lennon - Imagine (what we should ALL believe)

My Top-Ten Movies of 2000

1. High Fidelity
2. You Can Count On Me
3. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
4. Almost Famous
5. Wonder Boys
6. Chuck & Buck
7. Nurse Betty
8. Traffic
9. Unbreakable
10. O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Honorable Mention: Erin Brockovich, What Lies Beneath, Gladiator, Bring It On

My Top-Ten Movies of 1999

I felt cinema took a great leap forward this year in terms of the ability to transport me into total environments - radical storytelling and effects often left me dazed as I exited the theater. It's hard to keep the list at ten, and I feel many of my honorable mentions are just as important.

1. Being John Malkovich
2. The Matrix
3. Magnolia
4. The Sixth Sense
5. American Beauty
6. Three Kings
7. Election
8. Existenz
9. Straight Story
10. Iron Giant

Honorable Mention: South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, The Ciderhouse Rules, Boys Don't Cry, Toy Story 2, Afterlife (Japanese), The Virgin Suicides, Croupier, The Five Senses, Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels, Hideous Kinky, Hurly Burly

My Top-Ten Movies of 1998

1. Pleasantville (Gary Ross: Big, Dave, Seabiscuit)
2. Rushmore (Wes Anderson: Bottle Rocket, Royal Tannenbaums)
3. Buffalo 66 (Vincent Gallo: Tricks his girlfriends into filming blow jobs)
4. Big Lebowski (Coen Brothers: See everything by them)
5. Truman Show (Peter Weir: Fearless, Witness, Gallipoli)
6. Happiness (Todd Solondz: sequel Life During Wartime)
7. Out Of Sight (Steven Soderbergh: Oceans 11, Che, Liberace)
8. The Butcher Boy (Neil Jordan: Crying Game, Interview W/ Vampire, Breakfast on Pluto)
9. Wag The Dog (Barry Levinson: Best thing he'd made since 1990 and prior. He still sucks.)
10. Dark City (Alex Proyas: I, Robot, upcoming Paradise Lost)
11. Pi (Darren Aronofsky: The Wrestler, Black Swan)

Honorable Mention: A Simple Plan, Love & Death On Long Island, Good Will Hunting, As Good As It Gets, Saving Private Ryan

My Top-Ten Movies of 1997

1. Boogie Nights
2. L.A. Confidential
3. Ponette
4. Wings Of The Dove
5. Ice Storm
6. Waiting For Guffman
7. Contact
8. Lost Highway
9. Sweet Hereafter
10. In The Company Of Men

Honorable Mention: Flamenco, Ulee's Gold, Copland, Face/Off, Fifth Element

My Top-Ten Movies Of 1996

1. Lone Star (John Sayles)
2. Welcome To The Dollhouse (Todd Solondz)
3. Angels & Insects (Phillip Haas)
4. Flirting With Disaster (David O. Russell)
5. Trees Lounge (Steve Buscemi)
6. Trainspotting (Danny Boyle)
7. Swingers (Doug Liman)
8. Secrets & Lies (Mike Leigh)
9. Shine (Scott Hicks)
10. I Shot Andy Warhol (Mary Harron)

Where are they now?
1. John Sayles - He's working out his obsessions with S. America and the rural South.
2. Todd Solondz - Directed well-reviewed sequel to "Happiness" called "Life During Wartime".
3. Phillip Haas - Ain't doing shit.
4. David O. Russell - Directed Mark Wahlberg in "The Fighter". Yaay!
5. Steve Buscemi - Currently starring in "Boardwalk Empire" and directing "Nurse Jackie".
6. Danny Boyle - Directed "Slumdog Millionaire" and fantastic "127 Hours".
7. Doug Liman - Directed Nicole Kidman & Sean Penn in excellent "Fair Game".
8. Mike Leigh - Directed Oscar-nominated "Another Year".
9. Scott Hicks - Kind of a crap director, actually.
10. Mary Harron - Just wrapped production on vampire film "The Moth Diaries".

My Top Ten Favorite Movies of 1995

1. City Of Lost Children
2. The Little Princess
3. Babe
4. Seven
5. The Usual Suspects
6. Funny Bones
7. Safe
8. 12 Monkeys
9. Living In Oblivion
10. Theremin

Honorable mentions: Apollo 13, Leaving Las Vegas, Dead Man Walking, Smoke, Carrington, Unzipped, Devil In A Blue Dress, Persuasion

Everything's Wrong: Best Documentaries For A Better America

Sometimes it's hard to watch an exhaustively researched, factual accurate documentary about politics or the environment because they make your blood boil and you simultaneously feel so helpless. And it's troublesome that almost all these documentaries make the Republican party look like the worst kind of corporate-bought villains and, yet, there are the facts staring you in the face. And when you look at the refutation of these documentaries by conservatives, it usually devolves into mere contradiction instead of disproving anything, that's why I've never seen a right-wing documentary that ever moved me or schooled me (see my previous post). I also challenge you to look at member reviews on Netflix and comments on various blogs - the people who most passionately dispute documented facts and eyewitness video are usually mouth-breathing trolls who can't spell or reason, and are clearly regurgitating Republican hearsay the way geese vomit force-fed grains while producing fois gras (and both are an equally sickening practice). I hope one day liberals stop being so equanimous, and prosecute governmental, corporate and economical sociopaths to the fullest extent of the law. They should at least be humiliated with a slap to the face.

Anyway, prepare to get pissed:

1. No End In Sight (W. Bush and his administration are war criminals)
2. The Corporation (Your entire life is being co-opted)
3. Unprecedented (W. Bush cheated his way into office)
4. Inside Job (Wall Street and the banks have not been punished or regulated)
5. Food, Inc. (You are eating dogshit. Monsanto is the devil)
6. 11th Hour (Anyone who denies quantifiable science I will slap)
7. Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War On Journalism (He's a nefarious patsy)
8.  Who Killed The Electric Car? (I'll give you one fucking guess)
9. Flow (May I please have a drink, multi-national corporation?)
10. Sicko (Cry "socialism" without telling me what it means and I will slap)
11. Panama Deception (Before there was Bush, there was Bush)
12. Hunting Of The President (Horrifying even if the Clintons aren't blameless)
13. The Atom Smashers (Bullies are still picking on the nerdy kids)

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR NATION IS MOVING TOWARD A CLOSED SOCIETY

From Naomi Wolf's bestseller "The End Of America". She notes the similarity in the U.S. under the Bush Administration to dictatorship growth under Mussolini, Stalin, Hitler and Kim Jong-IL.

1. Establishment of external and internal enemy. (Al-Queda)
2. Secret prisons where torture is allowed. (Guantanamo)
3. A private and autonomous paramilitary force. (Blackwater)
4. Surveillance of citizens. (wiretaps, hidden and public cameras)
5. Infiltration of opposing groups. (misinformation, spying, disruption)
6. Detainment and release of citizens. (psychological intimidation)
7. Targeting of key individuals. (See "Shut Up & Sing" about Dixie Chicks)
8. Restriction of free press. (Factual opposing evidence is declared treasonous)
9. Recasting criticism as espionage - neighbor vs. neighbor. (See: The Patriot Act)
10. Subversion of law by Cabinet. (W. Bush openly defied congressional law 110 times)

Anyway, you'll notice, if you pay attention to unbiased reporting (not muckraking), that the Republican party is notorious for this. Try to find me a critically-acclaimed documentary that disproves this theory. Again, you'll only find snide, distorted, Right-wing dreck like Ben Stein's "Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed", "Michael Moore Hates America", "IndoctrinateU" and "Not Evil, Just Wrong". Conservatives seem to embrace a sort of defiant ignorance that, by focusing on pointless bullshit like Bible-fueled morality lawmaking (contraception, abstinence, abortion, in-class prayer, evolution, legislating the human body, stem cells) and anti-Socialist hysteria (universal healthcare, education of the poor, humane prisons, community programs, higher taxes for the wealthy) only serves CEOs, money-grubbing non-profit televangelists, and budding despots working on their plutarchy. They seem to believe everything any right-wing pundit or celebrity tells them. They're hopeless rubes willing to smear or shoot you over conjecture instead of thorough research, or they're corporate-backed Devil's (i.e. Lord's) Advocates - Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Dennis Miller, Ann Coulter (too many to list - throw a dull rock and you'll hit one), or they're genuinely dangerous and insidiously intelligent sociopaths who know how to manipulate obese and/or shallow Americans through manufactured terror, sanguine patriotism, opiate religiosity, bank-rolled wars and profiteering, the creation of dependence, and the systematic erosion of any kind of fact-based critical thought. All the Christians will have their Beast soon enough (they also get ecstatic when their prophecies are self-fulfilled), and I guarantee HE'LL be a Republican.

The library and Google are free. Educate yourself. To assist you, I'll be posting a list of essential level-headed, thoroughly-researched, indisputable documentaries (not Alex Jones, btw).

My Top Ten Movies Of 1994

I'll put the ones you probably haven't see first, then give honorable mention to the obvious choices.

1. Ed Wood
2. Bitter Moon
3. 32 Short Films About Glenn Gould
4. Wrestling Ernest Hemingway
5. Mrs. Parker & The Vicious Circle
6. Widow's Peak
7. White
8. The Last Seduction
9. Suture
10. Spanking The Monkey

Honorable mention: Bullets Over Broadway, Pulp Fiction, Shawshank Redemption, Heavenly Creatures, Serial Mom, Sirens, Forrest Gump, The Lion King, Immortal Beloved, Little Buddha

My Top Ten Movies Of 1993

I'm putting these in the order I'm most likely to still watch them.

1. Baraka
2. King Of The Hill (Soderberg)
3. Groundhog Day
4. The Piano
5. Farewell My Concubine
6. Menace II Society
7. Cabeza De Vaca
8. Leolo
9. Dead Alive
10. Fearless

Honorable mentions: Household Saints, Remains Of The Day, Shadowlands, Age Of Innocence, Secret Garden, Alive, Schindler's List, What's Eating Gilbert Grape?, Orlando, Naked, Un Couer En Hiver

My Top Ten Movies Of 1992

You'll notice I tend to lean toward the avant-garde and Surrealism.


1. Zentropa (re-released as Europa, Lars Von Trier)
2. Naked Lunch (Cronenberg)
3. Kafka (Soderberg)
4. Delicatessen (Juno & Caro)
5. The Player (Altman)
6. Husbands & Wives (Woody Allen)
7. Unforgiven (Eastwood)
8. Malcolm x (Spike Lee)
9. Glengarry Glen Ross (James Foley)
10. Bob Roberts (Tim Robbins)

Honorable mention: One False Move (Carl Franklin), Bad Lieutenant (Ferrara), Light Sleeper (Schraeder), Crying Game (Jordan), Reservoir Dogs (Tarantino), Howard's End (Merchant/Ivory), Rush (Lili Zanuck), Toto Le Heros (Dormael)

My Top 10 Movies of 1991

This month I'll be posting my favorite ten movies from every year since I started writing them down back in 1991.

1. Barton Fink
2. Silence Of The Lambs
3. The Doors
4. Impromptu
5. Dogfight
6. Bright Angel
7. Black Robe
8. Man In The Moon (not Jim Carrey)
9. The Doors
10. The Rapture

Honorable Mention: My Own Private Idaho, Slacker, Europa Europa

Best Melodic Alternative Rock 2010

Soft-Alt CD Compilation by BLANCONADA (80 mins)

1. Best Coast - When I'm With You
2. Citay - Careful With That Hat
3. Beach House - 10 Mile Stereo
4. Tame Impala - Solitude Is Bliss
5. Crystal Castles - Celestica
6. Papercuts - Dead Love
7. The Radio Dept. - Heaven's On Fire
8. Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti - Bright Lit Blue Skies
9. Sleigh Bells - Rill Rill
10. Blitzen Trapper - Destroyer Of The Void
11. Girls - Laura
12. Josh Ritter - The Curse
13. Surfer Blood - Swim
14. Broken Social Scene - All To All
15. The National - So Far Around The Bend 
16. The Morning Benders - Excuses
17. Mystery Jets - Alice Springs
18. Josh Ritter - Long Shadows

Best Melodic Alternative Rock 2008

Soft-Alt CD Compilation by BLANCONADA (70 mins)

1. TV On The Radio - Halfway Home
2. Raphael Saadiq feat. Joss Stone - Just One Kiss
3. Fleet Foxes - Ragged Wood
4. The Ruby Suns - Adventure Tour
5. Midlake - Roscoe
6. Animal Collective - My Girls
7. Deerhunter - Never Stops
8. A Camp - Here Are Many Wild Animals
9. Darker My Love - Two Ways Out
10. Annuals - Confessor
11. Copeland - The Grey Man
12. Jenny Lewis - Acid Tongue
13. Cut Off Your Hands - Happy As Can Be
14. The Ruby Suns - Oh, Mojave
15. Autolux - Plantlife
16. Dodos - Fools
17. Snow Patrol - Lifeboats
18. TV On The Radio - Family Tree

Interesting facts:
1. The lead singer of A Camp, Nina Persson, fronted The Cardigans ("Love Me")
2.  Jenny Lewis is the singer for Rilo Kiley.
3. The Ruby Suns & Cut Off Your Hands are both from Auckland, New Zealand.

Valentine's Day Mix: Obscure & Forgotten Retro & Indie Love Songs

Most of you will know a few of these. This compilation is men singing for women. I'll do a women singing for men mix eventually. Regardless, they sound great together and will make your sweet lady-love go all googly-eyed over you and your exquisite taste. Enjoy, playa!

1. Queen - Best Friend
2. Big Star - For You
3. Byrds - It Won't Be Wrong
4. Jesus & Mary Chain - Almost Gold
5. Lou Reed - Perfect Day
6. The Doors - Indian Summer
7. The Youngbloods - Sunlight
8. John Lennon - Love
9. Roxy Music - I'd Love To Turn You On
10. Shriekback - The Only Thing That Shines
11. Nick Drake - Time Has Told Me
12. The Ramones - I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend
13. The Rolling Stones - She's A Rainbow
14. Yo La Tengo - Autumn Sweater
15. Love - Orange Skies
16. Red House Painters - Summer Dress
17. Neil Young - Harvest Moon
18. Magnetic Fields - The Book Of Love

Best Melodic Alternative Rock 2007

I made this compilation the year my best friend, Jason, died. It's haunted by his ghost.

Soft-Alt 2007 CD Compilation by BLANCONADA (80 mins)

1. PJ Harvey - The Devil
2. Band Of Horses - Is There A Ghost
3. Spoon - Blow Out Yr Cherry Bomb
4. Peter, Bjorn & John - Young Folks
5. Arcade Fire - Keep The Car Running
6. Teddy Bears feat. Neneh Cherry - Yours To Keep
7. The Shins - Phantom Limb
8. Sea Wolf - You're A Wolf
9. !!! - Myth Takes
10. Tegan & Sara - Burn Your Life Down
11. Deerhoof - Cast Off Crown
12. Radiohead - Reckoner
13. Bat For Lashes - What's A Girl To Do?
14. Thurston Moore - The Shape Is In A Trance
15. Blonde Redhead - 23
16. The National - Apartment Story
17. Feist - I Feel It All
18. The Broken West - You Can Build An Island
19. Let's Go Sailing - Sideways
20. The Clientele - Here Comes The Phantom
21. Spoon - The Ghost Of You Lingers


Interesting facts:
1. Thurston Moore is the lead singer of Sonic Youth.
2. PJ Harvey, !!! and Arcade Fire will be at Coachella this year. I have tickets.

Best Melodic Alternative Rock 2006

Soft-Alt 2006 CD Compilation by BLANCONADA (80 mins)

1. Yellowcard - Three Flights Up

2. Slow Runner - The SeaIs Never Full

3. Death Cab For Cutie - Soul Meets Body

4. Stars - Your Ex-Lover Is Dead

5. Animal Collective - Did You See The Words?

6. The Spinto Band - Oh Mandy

7. Band Of Horses - The First Song

8. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Dudley

9. My Morning Jacket - Gideon

10. Arctic Monkeys - Riot Van

11. Golden Smog - 5-22-02

12. Camera Obscura - Lloyd, I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken

13. Death Cab For Cutie - Marching Bands Of Manhattan

14. Emily Haines & Soft Skeleton - Our Hell

15. Regina Spektor - Samson

16. Band Of Horses - The Funeral

17. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - The Warrior

18. Ray LaMontagne - Be Here Now

19. Johnny Cash - If You Could Read My Mind

Interesting facts:

1. This year marked the big national break-outs of Arctic Monkeys, Band Of Horses, Death Cab, My Morning Jacket and the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs (even though most had earlier popular college releases).

2. Golden Smog featured members from The Jayhawks, Soul Asylum & Wilco.

3. Emily Haines is also a member of Metric & Broken Social Scene.

4. The Johnny Cash cover of Gordon Lightfoot was recorded in 2003, just prior to his death (which came just 4 months after the death of June Carter).It was released in 2006 and broke my heart in half.

Best Melodic Alternative Rock 2003

Soft-Alt 2003 CD Compilation by BLANCONADA (60 mins)

1. Dean Wareham & Britta Phillips - Night Nurse

2. Clem Snide - Curse Of Great Beauty

3. Damien Rice - Delicate

4. Death Cab For Cutie - Death Of An Interior Decorator
5. My Morning Jacket - Golden

6. The Sleepy Jackson - Morning Bird

7. The Sleepy Jackson - Great Dancers

8. Flaming Lips - It's Summertime

9. Grandaddy - I'm Okay With My Decay

10. Liz Phair - Little Digger

11. Mull Historical Society - Oh Mother

12. Jet - Look What You've Done

13. Fountains Of Wayne - Hailey's Waitress

14. Eels - Fashion Show
15. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps

16. Rosie Thomas - October

17. Flaming Lips - Do You Realize?

18. Langley School's Music Project - Desperado

Interesting facts:

1. Dean Wareham & Britta Phillips were from the band Luna.

2. My friend Monica is the sister-in-law of Wayne Coyne from Flaming Lips. Yes, I've met him.

3. My friend Amber is a friend of Rosie Thomas. No, I haven't met her.

4. The Langley Schools Music Project was recorded in 1977 but released in 2003.

COACHELLA 2011 ELECTRO MIX

I'm going to demonstrate how you can make your own jank-ass techno mix in iTunes, where all these tracks should be available (if not, try FrostWire). To edit in iTunes, right-click the song, scroll to "edit info", and select "options". Here's where you can edit start & stop times for any track. I sometimes shave that shit down to the milisecond (as shown below). Do you hate the intro to a song? Is the outro too long? Crop it, brother!

Compilation length: 1 Hour

1. The Bloody Beetroots feat. Steve Aoki - Warp 7.7 (out 3:49)
2. Duck Sauce - Barbara Streisand (in 0:01.7, out 3:09.4)
3. Steve Angello - Knas (no edit)
4. Robyn - We Dance To The Beat (out 4:16)
5. Boyz Noise - Lava Lava (in 0:00.5, out 3:06)
6. Laidback Luke w/ A-Trak - Shake It Down (out 2:34.2)
7. Tinie Tempah - Pass Out (in 0:01, out 3:03.2)
8. Skrillex - Fucking Die (in 1:31, out 3:50)
9. Yelle - A Cause Des Garcons (Tecktonik remix) (in 0:00.1, out 2:40)
10. SBTRKT - Hide Or Seek (in 2:02.3, out 4:43)
11. 12th Planet - 68 (in 0:27.35, out 3:09.1)
12. The Chemical Brothers - It Began In Afrika (in 0:00.1, out 3:46)
13. DJ Chuckie - Let The Bass Kick (no edit)
14. The Presets - I Go Hard, I Go Home (no edit)
15. Afrojack - ElectroJack (in 0:03, out 2:49)
16. Paul van Dyk - Another Way (in 0:00.6, out 3:06.8)
17. Andy C - Nosher (no edit)
18. Lorn - Automaton (out 3:16)
19. Crystal Castles - Celestica (no edit)
20 The Chemical Brothers - Another World (no edit)

Also remember to choose "part of a gapless album" if you burn it for anybody.

COACHELLA MIX 2011

Just because Coachella sold out in six days doesn't mean you can't enjoy the music. Once again I've tried to steer away from the obvious (Kings of Leon, Interpol, Arcade Fire, etc) which would make me look like a chump. Also, I disapprove of the way Coachella can sometimes be split between spineless alternapop (Glasser, Scala & Kolacny Bros, etc) and electronica knob-twiddlers (up to 17 PER DAY!). It's as if KCRW broadcasted next to a disco on Ibiza.

Anyway, here are some talented bands who play actual instruments:

CD Length 70 mins

1. Sleigh Bells - Kids
2. The Presets - Let's Go
3. Phantogram - Mouthful Of Diamonds
4. Empire Of The Sun - Walking On A Dream
5. Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears - Bobby Booshay
6. The Kills - Cat Claw
7. The New Pornographers - Twin Cinema
8. Cage The Elephant - Shake Me Down
9. The Joy Formidable - Cradle
10. The Radio Dept. - Heaven's On Fire (edited: begin at 18.1 secs)
11. YACHT - It's Coming To Get You
12. CSS - Meeting Paris Hilton
13. Foals - Balloons
14. The Love Language - Sparxxx
15. Tame Impala - Solitude Is Bliss
16. The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart - Come Saturday
17. The Joy Formidable - Austere
18. The Morning Benders - Waiting For A War
19. Broken Social Scene - Swimmers
20. Death From Above 1979 - Romantic Rights
21. Trampled By Turtles - Wait So Long
22. Warpaint - Set Your Arms Down

Next up: for all you raver kids with pacifiers hanging out of your grindy jaws, I'll teach you how to edit together your own Coachella 2011 Electro-Mix (if you can't beat 'em, join 'em).

FEMALE ROCK OF THE GRUNGE ERA: GIRLS KICK ASS

I've had a lot of compliments about this comp I made, and whenever it gets played at a party everybody thinks it's the jam. I actually hate grunge rock, but the women of that era were full-on destroyers.

Compilation length: 80 mins

1. L7 - Shirley

2. Elastica - Smile

3. Sonic Youth - Drunken Butterfly

4. The Donnas - Checkin' It Out

5. PJ Harvey - Meet Ze Monsta

6. Liz Phair - Supernova

7. Lauren Hoffman - Rockstar

8. Bikini Kill - Rebel Girl

9. Hole - Celebrity Skin

10. Elastica - Stutter

11. Veruca Salt - Seether

12. The Breeders - Saints

13. Liz Phair - 6'1"

14. Team Dresch - Hand Grenade

15. Lunachicks - Terror Firmer

16. Sonic Youth - Bull In The Heather

17. Sleater-Kinney - It's Enough

18. Babes In Toyland - Sweet '69

19. Helium - Pat's Trick

20. Cat Power - Nude As The News

21. Hole - Awful

22. Elastica - Vaseline

23. Joan Jett - Love Is All Around

COACHELLA MIX 2010

In preparation for Coachella 2011 and the compilation I'll be finishing next week or so, here's the mix I made for last year (I tend to avoid headliners so the underdogs get a chance):

1. Pretty Lights - How We Do

2. Dead Weather - Cut Like A Buffalo

3. Major Lazer - Hold The Line (feat. Santigold)

4. Florence + The Machine - Kiss With A Fist

5.  Tokyo Police Club - Sixties Remake

6. Rusko - Jahovah (excerpt - cut at 1:36)

7. Little Boots - New In Town

8. Mayer Hawthorne - Just Ain't Gonna Work Out

9. Phoenix - Long Distance Call

10. Passion Pit - Little Secrets

11. Yo La Tengo - Avalon

12. The Big Pink - Dominos

13. Spoon - The Underdog

14. Charlotte Gainsbourg - Trick Pony

15. Vampire Weekend - White Sky

16. Corinne Bailey Rae - Feels Like The First Time

17. The Raveonettes - Dead Sound

18. Julian Casablancas - 11th Dimension

19. Little Dragon - My Step

20. Beach House - Silver Soul

21. Grizzly Bear - Southern Point

22. Band Of Skulls - Honest

Length 80 mins

Best Melodic Alternative Rock of 1999

SOFT-ALT 1999 CD Compilation by BLANCONADA (80 mins)

1. Mercury Rev - Holes
2. Air - Playground Love
3. Drunk - Dorothea
4. Charlatans UK - My Beautiful Friend
5. Pavement - Spit On A Stranger
6. Damien Jurado - Eyes For Windows
7. Gorky's Zygotic Mynci - DRWS
8. Sigur Ros - Staralfur
9. Poe - 5 1/2 Minute Hallway
10. Coldplay - Yellow (Acoustic)
11. Mark Lanegan - Creeping Coastline Of Lights
12. Yo La Tengo - Autumn Sweater
13. Twilight Singers - East 17th Street
14. Twilight Singers - Out Into The Street
15. Low - Starfire
16. Starlight Mints - Cracker Jack
17. Travis - Why Does It Always Rain On Me?
18. Radiohead - Motion Picture Soundtrack
19. Tripping Daisy - Sonic Bloom

Interesting details:
1. The Poe song references details from her brother Mark Z Danielewski's creepy novel House Of Leaves. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/House_of_Leaves
2. Mark Lanegan was the lead singer of 90s grunge-era band Screaming Trees.
3. The Twilight Singers were the side project of Greg Dulli from Afghan Whigs.
4. Tripping Daisy later incarnated into the Polyphonic Spree.