I'm a collector of sinister blues songs, preferably before 1960. I don't like sad lovelorn blues where the protagonists have been done wrong and aren't doing anything about it except crying or turning their eyes to Jesus. I like songs about sex, violence and Black Magic. And I don't like clean BB King bullshit that's lit by a soft neon Budweiser light. George Thorogood can kiss my balls. Here's a dirty, mean and diabolical mix (the songs are available on iTunes). It's the perfect length for your standard 80-minute CD-R. Enjoy, sinners.
1. Lightning Slim - I'm Evil
2. John Lee Hooker - Boom Boom
3. Slim Harpo - I'm A King Bee
4. Charles Sheffield - Voodoo Working
5. Elmore James - Shake Your Money Maker
6. Muddy Waters - Hoochie Coochie Man
7. Howlin' Wolf - Evil
8. Willie Dixon - 29 Ways
9. Frankie Sims - Lucy Mae Blues
10. L. B. Renoir - Talk To Your Daughter
11. Muddy Waters - I Can't Be Satisfied
12. Lightnin' Hopkins - Mojo Hand
13. Junior Wells - Hoodoo Man
14. Tabby Thomas - Hoodoo Party
15. John Lee Hooker - Crawlin' King Snake
16. Jimmy Reed - Going Upside Your Head
17. Johnny Guitar Watson - Gangster Of Love
18. Bo Diddley - I'm A Man
19. Otis Rush - All Your Love (I Miss Lovin')
20. Junior Wells - Messing With The Kid
21. Muddy Waters - Got My Mojo Working
22. Howlin' Wolf - I Ain't Superstitious
23. Hound Dog Taylor - Give Me Back My Wig
24. Slim Harpo - Got Love If You Want It
25. Otis Spann - Must've Been The Devil
26. Lightnin' Hopkins - Black Cat Bone
27. Robert Johnson - Me & The Devil
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Top Ten Movies Of 2006
1. The Devil & Daniel Johnston
2. Shortbus
3. Pan's Labyrinth
4. Thank You For Smoking
5. United 93
6. Stranger Than Fiction
7. Quincinera
8. The Prestige
9. Slither
10. Borat
Honorable mention: The Departed, The Devil Wears Prada, Little Miss Sunshine
2. Shortbus
3. Pan's Labyrinth
4. Thank You For Smoking
5. United 93
6. Stranger Than Fiction
7. Quincinera
8. The Prestige
9. Slither
10. Borat
Honorable mention: The Departed, The Devil Wears Prada, Little Miss Sunshine
Friday, June 17, 2011
Top Ten Movies Of 2005
1. Me & You & Everyone You Know (Miranda July)
2. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (Shane Black)
3. Syriana (Stephen Gaghan)
4. Brokeback Mountain (Ang Lee)
5. Junebug (Phil Morrison)
6. Walk The Line (James Mangold)
7. Tarnation (Jonathan Caouette)
8. Shopgirl (Anand Tucker)
9. Pride & Prejudice (Joe Wright)
10. Crash (Paul Haggis)
Mostly small name directors this year. Weird.
2. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (Shane Black)
3. Syriana (Stephen Gaghan)
4. Brokeback Mountain (Ang Lee)
5. Junebug (Phil Morrison)
6. Walk The Line (James Mangold)
7. Tarnation (Jonathan Caouette)
8. Shopgirl (Anand Tucker)
9. Pride & Prejudice (Joe Wright)
10. Crash (Paul Haggis)
Mostly small name directors this year. Weird.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Top Ten Pick-Up Lines For Hot Guys To Use On Hot Girls!
I find these work wonders! Try them today!
10 pick-up lines right here, right now:
10 pick-up lines right here, right now:
- 1. I come here often. I was going to ask if you do, but then I'd look unobservant.
2. Thank you for returning my menacing stare. At first I thought you were just angry about not having a boyfriend.
3. Can I buy you a cocktail with a sexually-suggestive title? Like a Miller Genuine Draft?
4. What do you say to a game of nude human Jenga?
5. I like your shoes. I'm not gay; I'm just being flattering. Now it's your turn.
6. Do you know the symptoms of rattlesnake bite? I heard it feels a lot like meeting a hot chick.
7. Pardon me smiling, I was just fantasizing about you as my night-shift manager at McDonald's right after we closed the drive-thru window.
8. My therapist said I should talk to girls more. You'd really like him. Here's his card.
9. Free hugs! Free harmless lonely desperate hugs! Except for you. Only suave meaningful sophisticated embraces for you.
10. You. Me. Hump. Now. Then. Watch. TiVo.
Also let me know how this works for you, ladies. My mutant brother is horny as hell.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Advice For The Discerning Gentleman (Top 10 Tips For Hot Guys!)
I wrote this back in 2008 as a MySpace blog. Just re-read and found it to still be a totally relevant satire. Please enjoy.
I thank the God of Pussy I was made 6'1'' with a thick head of hair. Seriosly, alls I have to do is, like, SHOW UP and I'm knee deep in the tang.
Here's how it works, bro-bro. I was all shy and shit in grade school, but I had thick dark hair and eyebrows, so the little chicklets dug me, so I came outta my shell pretty fast.
In high school I got tall, so I went out for basketball mostly cuz all the varsity guys got mad pussy. A lot of girls were into my shit, so I learned how to juggle their asses. Besides, when you're tall with thick hair, a bitch will take just about any mess from you.
So I graduate and shit. Now I'm all ripped from b-ball, and tan from being out in the sun with bitches on river rafting trips or whatever. I ace every job interview cuz I'm happy from being tall, tan, thick-haired and muscular. And if it's a LADY interviewing me, fucking forget about it, you KNOW I got that job.
Now I gots some money to play with, so I get like a Celtic tattoo and like a fucking dragon on my back. Add a baseball cap for my fave basketball team, a wifebeater and grow some chin scruff, and HELLO! You can actually feel the magnetic pull of pussy.
Okay, I was a little freaked this one time. I went to this bar on Franklin and there was this guy, kinda skinny, but decent looking. Hilarious and smart as shit. Everybody was like totally digging him. It turned out cool, though. His problem was he was only like 5'8" and his hair was all kinda wispy blonde. By the end of the night the chicks were all over ME, because he'd got them all in a good mood and they were totally ready and wet for a tall, tan, thick-haired, tattooed, scruffy dude with a ballcap and a wifebeater. I didn't even have to fucking TALK. They thought I was all super sensitive and quiet and shit.
So I took the hottest chick home, but gave my number to three others. Keep your options open I say. As far as being all super clever, I find just pretending to listen will get you pussy. Just ask a bitch some questions, like, "What's your favorite music?" and then be all like, "Really? Yeah, (insert shitty girl singer here)'s pretty cool." Or ask, "What's your favorite movie?" and then be all like, "Awesome! I totally dug (Notting Hill/Titanic/Princess Bride/Beaches/You Got Mail/Just Like Heaven) too!" Hell, I could even say, "What's your favorite color?" and be all like, "I wasn't listening, but that's a cool color and shit", and she'd be all, "Mr. tall, dark and handsome, please fuck me".
Which brings us to the sex. Pump away, bro--you know your shoe size. That's a no-brainer. If she complains you're not looking at her say, "I'm tall, so if I keep looking down at you I'll get a fucking crick in my neck". Then suggest she get on top, so you can just lay back and shit. The next morning, go, "I'm hungry." and she'll fucking hop out of bed and make you breakfast. Alls you gotta do is fold your arms behind your head, show off your tan biceps and tats, and maybe say, "Uh-huh. Really? Ha-ha." She'll do anything to keep you whether you're worth a shit or not.
That poor asswipe at the bar probably has to be all super funny in the morning and cook breakfast for HER for the exact same reason.
So anyways, for all you brodacious bro-bros and dudes out there, my advice, if you wanna get the pussy is follow these ten sure-fire tips:
1. Try to be 5'11" or taller, but don't be over 6'6" cuz then you're all freaky and lanky and shit.
2. Run around and get some sun. Cuz then you'll be all tan and ripped and pussy-ready.
3. Get a cool awesome job, which is easy cuz you're fucking hot.
4. With the money, get some tatts. Like a Celtic armband and a wild animal, a cougar or fucking grizzly maybe. Or maybe get all edgy with some vines on your neck. A girl will practically fuck a highway cone because it's hard and represents danger. That's what tats are.
5. Try to have thick hair. Brunette is better than blonde. Dye it if you have to, or get a real super realistic-looking wig. Otherwise I can't help you.
6. Buy a wifebeater and a ballcap. But take the hat off once in a while to show you gots thick dark hair. Dudes who always wear hats got a baldy ring.
7. Pretend to like what a bitch likes and laugh at any silly shit she says. At least for the first two months. Then you can be all sullen and pop her one once in awhile. This'll make her all, "What did I do wrong?" and make her try harder.
8. Keep your options open. You're fucking hot. There's always greener pussy at the end of the rainbow, or however the saying goes. She dug you because you were a fucking caveman, so be a caveman. Eat, growl and hunt pussy.
9. Always try to have a 5 o'clock shadow. It's like the the Pussy God's own danger tattoo on your face.
10. Don't sweat the puny, hilarious, intelligent, sensitive, caring dude at the end of the bar. Just laugh along with everybody else. The only girl whose going home with him is some pear-shaped, mom-haired, castaway. And, even if she claims to have scruples and is into books and shit, she'd still fuck you in a heart-beat if you gave her the chance, because tall, dark and handsome dudes are every bitch's guilty or not-so-guilty pleasure.
There you have it, Mr. Bro-tastic. Words to fucking live by. Follow my advice and you'll get some. Just don't swoop on mine or cock-block me and I promise the same. Peace out.
I thank the God of Pussy I was made 6'1'' with a thick head of hair. Seriosly, alls I have to do is, like, SHOW UP and I'm knee deep in the tang.
Here's how it works, bro-bro. I was all shy and shit in grade school, but I had thick dark hair and eyebrows, so the little chicklets dug me, so I came outta my shell pretty fast.
In high school I got tall, so I went out for basketball mostly cuz all the varsity guys got mad pussy. A lot of girls were into my shit, so I learned how to juggle their asses. Besides, when you're tall with thick hair, a bitch will take just about any mess from you.
So I graduate and shit. Now I'm all ripped from b-ball, and tan from being out in the sun with bitches on river rafting trips or whatever. I ace every job interview cuz I'm happy from being tall, tan, thick-haired and muscular. And if it's a LADY interviewing me, fucking forget about it, you KNOW I got that job.
Now I gots some money to play with, so I get like a Celtic tattoo and like a fucking dragon on my back. Add a baseball cap for my fave basketball team, a wifebeater and grow some chin scruff, and HELLO! You can actually feel the magnetic pull of pussy.
Okay, I was a little freaked this one time. I went to this bar on Franklin and there was this guy, kinda skinny, but decent looking. Hilarious and smart as shit. Everybody was like totally digging him. It turned out cool, though. His problem was he was only like 5'8" and his hair was all kinda wispy blonde. By the end of the night the chicks were all over ME, because he'd got them all in a good mood and they were totally ready and wet for a tall, tan, thick-haired, tattooed, scruffy dude with a ballcap and a wifebeater. I didn't even have to fucking TALK. They thought I was all super sensitive and quiet and shit.
So I took the hottest chick home, but gave my number to three others. Keep your options open I say. As far as being all super clever, I find just pretending to listen will get you pussy. Just ask a bitch some questions, like, "What's your favorite music?" and then be all like, "Really? Yeah, (insert shitty girl singer here)'s pretty cool." Or ask, "What's your favorite movie?" and then be all like, "Awesome! I totally dug (Notting Hill/Titanic/Princess Bride/Beaches/You Got Mail/Just Like Heaven) too!" Hell, I could even say, "What's your favorite color?" and be all like, "I wasn't listening, but that's a cool color and shit", and she'd be all, "Mr. tall, dark and handsome, please fuck me".
Which brings us to the sex. Pump away, bro--you know your shoe size. That's a no-brainer. If she complains you're not looking at her say, "I'm tall, so if I keep looking down at you I'll get a fucking crick in my neck". Then suggest she get on top, so you can just lay back and shit. The next morning, go, "I'm hungry." and she'll fucking hop out of bed and make you breakfast. Alls you gotta do is fold your arms behind your head, show off your tan biceps and tats, and maybe say, "Uh-huh. Really? Ha-ha." She'll do anything to keep you whether you're worth a shit or not.
That poor asswipe at the bar probably has to be all super funny in the morning and cook breakfast for HER for the exact same reason.
So anyways, for all you brodacious bro-bros and dudes out there, my advice, if you wanna get the pussy is follow these ten sure-fire tips:
1. Try to be 5'11" or taller, but don't be over 6'6" cuz then you're all freaky and lanky and shit.
2. Run around and get some sun. Cuz then you'll be all tan and ripped and pussy-ready.
3. Get a cool awesome job, which is easy cuz you're fucking hot.
4. With the money, get some tatts. Like a Celtic armband and a wild animal, a cougar or fucking grizzly maybe. Or maybe get all edgy with some vines on your neck. A girl will practically fuck a highway cone because it's hard and represents danger. That's what tats are.
5. Try to have thick hair. Brunette is better than blonde. Dye it if you have to, or get a real super realistic-looking wig. Otherwise I can't help you.
6. Buy a wifebeater and a ballcap. But take the hat off once in a while to show you gots thick dark hair. Dudes who always wear hats got a baldy ring.
7. Pretend to like what a bitch likes and laugh at any silly shit she says. At least for the first two months. Then you can be all sullen and pop her one once in awhile. This'll make her all, "What did I do wrong?" and make her try harder.
8. Keep your options open. You're fucking hot. There's always greener pussy at the end of the rainbow, or however the saying goes. She dug you because you were a fucking caveman, so be a caveman. Eat, growl and hunt pussy.
9. Always try to have a 5 o'clock shadow. It's like the the Pussy God's own danger tattoo on your face.
10. Don't sweat the puny, hilarious, intelligent, sensitive, caring dude at the end of the bar. Just laugh along with everybody else. The only girl whose going home with him is some pear-shaped, mom-haired, castaway. And, even if she claims to have scruples and is into books and shit, she'd still fuck you in a heart-beat if you gave her the chance, because tall, dark and handsome dudes are every bitch's guilty or not-so-guilty pleasure.
There you have it, Mr. Bro-tastic. Words to fucking live by. Follow my advice and you'll get some. Just don't swoop on mine or cock-block me and I promise the same. Peace out.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Ten Names For Your Pet Duck
Heard you needed some names for your pet duck:
1. Pollo
2. Big Willy Bamps
3. Skarsgaard
4. Quack Cocaine
5. Johnny "the Waddles" Holmes
6. Nibbles McClassy
7. Cheap Eats on the DL
8. Stray Bullets
9. Drizz Double-Down
10. Governor of Grain
If you choose one of these give me credit, champ.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
My Top-Ten Movies Of 2004
1. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
2. Napolean Dynamite
3. The Incredibles
4. Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban
5. The Aviator
6. Shaun Of The Dead
7. Sideways
8. Kinsey
9. I, Robot
10. Million Dollar Baby
11. Primer
Fun Facts for each film above:
1. Michel Gondry directed trippy music vids first. See Cibbo Matto's "Sugar Water", and "Let Forever Be" by the Chemical Brothers.
2. Jared Hess also directed "Nacho Libre". What happened with "Gentleman Broncos"?
3. Brad Bird (Iron Giant, Ratatouille) is making a foray into live-action with the new "Mission Impossible - Ghost Protocol".
4. Alfonso Cuaron made "Harry Potter 3" right after the sexy "Y Tu Mama Tambien".
5. Martin Scorsese finally won a damn Oscar.
6. Edgar Wright also directed "Hot Fuzz" and "Scott Pilgrim vs The World"
7. Alexander Payne already had an impressive resume with "About Schmidt", "Election" and "Citizen Ruth".
8. Bill Condon's next film was "Dreamgirls" which solidified Jennifer Hudson's career.
9. Alex Proyas (Dark City, The Crow) is currently directing "Paradise Lost" an action-heavy take on Milton's Heaven vs. Hell tale.
10. Clint Eastwood won Oscars for best picture & director. Hilary Swank & Morgan Freeman also won Oscars for their performances. Please explain "Hereafter".
11. "Primer" was an amazing, though methodical, quantum mind-bender. I'm looking forward to Shane Carruth's "A Topiary" due in 2013.
2. Napolean Dynamite
3. The Incredibles
4. Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban
5. The Aviator
6. Shaun Of The Dead
7. Sideways
8. Kinsey
9. I, Robot
10. Million Dollar Baby
11. Primer
Fun Facts for each film above:
1. Michel Gondry directed trippy music vids first. See Cibbo Matto's "Sugar Water", and "Let Forever Be" by the Chemical Brothers.
2. Jared Hess also directed "Nacho Libre". What happened with "Gentleman Broncos"?
3. Brad Bird (Iron Giant, Ratatouille) is making a foray into live-action with the new "Mission Impossible - Ghost Protocol".
4. Alfonso Cuaron made "Harry Potter 3" right after the sexy "Y Tu Mama Tambien".
5. Martin Scorsese finally won a damn Oscar.
6. Edgar Wright also directed "Hot Fuzz" and "Scott Pilgrim vs The World"
7. Alexander Payne already had an impressive resume with "About Schmidt", "Election" and "Citizen Ruth".
8. Bill Condon's next film was "Dreamgirls" which solidified Jennifer Hudson's career.
9. Alex Proyas (Dark City, The Crow) is currently directing "Paradise Lost" an action-heavy take on Milton's Heaven vs. Hell tale.
10. Clint Eastwood won Oscars for best picture & director. Hilary Swank & Morgan Freeman also won Oscars for their performances. Please explain "Hereafter".
11. "Primer" was an amazing, though methodical, quantum mind-bender. I'm looking forward to Shane Carruth's "A Topiary" due in 2013.
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