Shortest list ever:
1. It's so much fun being nice to people. When you have the urge to be mean, try to say the opposite of what you're thinking. And the reward for telling someone how beautiful they are, that melting look of pure bliss, is totally worth it. I want to live in a world where this happens between us all the time.
2. Art is life. Awful things will happen to you that don't resemble living. No one is spared. You can turn to art (music, cinema, visual expression, literature) for escape, healing and salvation. Art understands you. It deserves your reciprocated love and devotion. We should nurture talent in one another.
Anyone who operates by these two philosophies, I want them in my life.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Hello, Soul-Mate! 10 Traits To Help Us Find Each Other
You are out there somewhere. I love you in advance. I'm waiting impatiently for you. Once I find you I'll surround you with the prismatic spangled expanse of love. It'll warm you so thoroughly you'll feel as though you survived a blizzard to reach me. You'll be caressed, served, listened to, understood, entertained, admired and (as the gentlemen say) put properly to bed.
In the past seven years my standards were pretty low because I'd had my heart broken. You probably know the self-loathing that goes with that. I considered myself unworthy of better; why else would they have lost interest in me? For years all you had to do to get me to fall in love with you was string a couple of intelligent words together and rub my lower back in front of your friends. I was a sad sucker and I tended to attract women who wanted control over something in their life. So I'd simply surrender my power and watch it corrupt them (and our love) absolutely.
Los Angeles is a wasteland for finding a good woman, but I refuse to give up hope and I don't want to relocate. Nor do I want to join a dating site. I'm not desperate and I know my value.
Bear with me for a small sermon: In this town I often hear women sigh "I'm looking for a man, not a boy" and "I wish someone would just sweep me off my feet". These are the same women who secretly or openly fantasize about finding a wealthy man so they'll never have to work again. They text and tweet while driving erratically, make three-point turns in the middle of traffic, never have their shit together in the check-out line and turn their noses up at things just to appear sophisticated. They're what I call "post-feminists"; they feel entitled to the equality/comforts their foremothers fought so hard for, but don't want to lift a finger to earn them. They want men to do everything and they believe there's a Prince Charming out there who'll slave away while they get pedicures, gossip, eat sushi and emulate the insufferable nags they see on reality television. Even worse are the "artists" who enlist every horny man they know to "help" with a creative project, then take all the credit for simply showing up. I've seen that A LOT. I've watched the quality of women plummet in the last ten years and, trust me, I've been paying attention. The counterargument could be made that the same thing has happened to the quality of men, and it is more than likely true. My rebuttal to this is I'm not attracted to men and let me be clear: I AM QUANTIFIABLY AND PROFOUNDLY NOT ONE OF THOSE MEN.
There. The preaching stops. I know you're out there and I love you in advance. We're equals, the way it should be. I'm looking for a woman, not an emotionally immature valley girl. I want someone who'll sweep ME off my feet, not just with words, but with actions. And I solemnly swear to do the same. This blog is called "Lists Of Fury", and below is possibly the most passionate list I've ever put together. It's a list of ten traits I both possess and admire. If it makes you feel insecure, we're not compatible. If it makes you angry, we're not compatible. If it makes molten energy rise through your fingertips and all your synapses fire with the recognition of your soul-mate, please get in touch with me immediately. After all, we share these qualities and we belong together. Here they are:
1. A desire to always be nice, paired with a desire to avoid the willfully ignorant. This is how we can be appealing to everyone while never being taken advantage of. I like being nice. Do you like being nice? Sometimes it requires us to be a little bit phony. What's the harm if we make people happy? And if people treat us poorly we simply punish them with our absence.
2. A commitment to conflict resolution, paired with a desire for joyful outcomes. See how we never fight? There's no power struggle because neither of us wants to hurt the other. I only want to see you smiling, my love. It can be a cruel world. When outside circumstances make you weep, I'll be the shoulder, ear and arms you turn to. I'll be your vacation from the world. You'll say the exact same words to me and you'll prove it. You won't judge me weak if I cry. We should be emotional with each other. I'll never yell at you, never. Promise the same. We all make mistakes; we all have personality foibles. Were you looking for perfection? I'm not. I just want us to look at one another and exclaim, "At last I am home".
3. A desire for introspection and self-improvement. By now you're probably wondering if I'm a Scientologist. Nope. If you're a Scientologist please stop reading - we aren't compatible. All I'm saying is if you have a bad habit, I'll do my best to not give a shit. I'll lead by example. Maybe you'll notice I don't do the bad thing you do and stop doing it. I've got bad habits too. I'm working on them. All year long I think about ways I could be a better person. The work is never done, but it's very rewarding. I'm so glad you feel the same way. It's why we seem so balanced and why we're a perfect match. Damn, I love you so much.
4. A lack of fear and self-consciousness. This is a personal hurdle for me and I'm always striving with it. I'm committed to overcoming my phobias and apprehensions toward strangers, and situations beyond my control. I used to be afraid of dogs and spiders; now I'm not. I still freak-out when I'm thrust into crowded places or whenever I start a new job, but I've gotten better at internalizing it. Besides, we know it's only a few hours until we're in one another's arms again, the safest place of all.
5. An unobtrusiveness with pre-existing conditions & baggage from the past. Let me just confess right now I had an abusive father, I'm an ENTJ (according to the Meyers-Briggs study), a Libra on the cusp of Scorpio, and I may or may not be high-functioning Asperger's. Perhaps you'll see how this informs a lot of my behavior, but I hope it neither governs nor defines me. I don't want it to become a crutch or an excuse for why I'm behaving poorly. Maybe you were bullied as a teen, have scoliosis and a gluten allergy. Are our lives so boring that it's all we can talk about? Let us volunteer to help bullied teens, sit up straighter, quietly avoid gluten, and suppress that Scorpio urge without making it our sole identity.
6. A commitment to being healthy and living a long life. This covers a lot of ground. I (you) exercise 3 or more times a week for a 1/2 hour or more. I (you) don't smoke. I (you) drink only to cop a buzz but not to get shitty, and with less frequency than an alcoholic. I (you) have the discipline to avoid sugar, salt, fat, and big meals. Basically I believe in the old Mark Twain quote "All things in moderation, including moderation". I don't want a gym-obsessed hard body -- I also don't want a couch potato who can't say no to dessert. But that's not you. You look so sexy right now I can hardly stand it.
7. A passion for the arts, sciences and the avant-garde. Here's where it gets serious, hence the sub-topics. I have a broad knowledge of the history of art, music, theater, cinema, fashion, literature, science and technology. In my most recent failed relationship this was largely taken for granted and not considered valuable enough to be treated with the immense respect it deserves. If you love me, I will fill your life with exquisite music, innovative performances, dreamy landscapes, thrilling ideas, and the costume carnival of being alive. I've never asked a woman to match me in these areas, and I'm only doing it now so I can meet someone who finally understands what a gold mine it is. I'm absolutely indispensable and totally essential to your life. You'll never meet another man like me. If I could steal back what I gave the women of my past, they'd be left with 4 hours of bad music and a couple of crap DVDs. Here's a breakdown of what I'm hoping for:
a) I like Renaissance, Surrealism/Dada, Futurism, Cubism, Impressionism, Modernism, Realism and Pop Art. I'm not crazy about ethnic/folk art and I detest most Abstract Expressionism.
b) I can trace classical from Mozart to Arvo Part, blues from Robert Johnson to The Black Keys, jazz from Basie to Herbie, indie from Zappa to Sonic Youth. Personally my favorite music is 1960s psychedelic rock, which is why I'm excited about new bands like Tame Impala,The Black Lips, etc. My knowledge, understanding of music and how it works is fucking sprawling. I can't stand most corporate music (or corporate anything, for that matter) or copycat fads, and I prefer organic instrumentation to electronic, although I make an EDM playlist every year because I have to know EVERYTHING. I even have a soft-spot for 70s schmaltz and 90s Norwegian Black Metal. A side note: you could wake me from a dead sleep and ask, "What song do you hate the most?" and I will always say, "What's Up" by 4-Non Blondes. If we date you'll have to be prepared to hear music, both harmonic and dissonant, almost every waking moment and, if I feel at ease around you, I'll sing and dance all the time. I'm no autocrat, and will cater to your taste as much as possible. You'll find it sexy and adorable when I'm interpreting "Monkey Man" by the Rolling Stones with all the lights off in your kitchen, just a nude silhouette moving toward you then suddenly leaping away beyond your grasp. Join me in the dark.
c) I like most theater except musicals. I prefer Albee to Simon, Ionescu to Brecht. I'll make exceptions if it's something you're passionate about. I love you so much. Just please know the difference between the sublime and utter crap.
d) I go back as far as Muybridge and Melies. I've seen thousands of movies. I like everything from high art costume dramas to cheapo exploitation. You at least have a basic understanding of the top directors working today and their filmographies. You recognize ponderous dreck and insincere demographic targeting. That's why we can watch Lawrence of Arabia then turn around and watch Gummo. But we won't watch Hasbro-adaptations and Tyler Perry movies (unless they're well reviewed).
e) As fashion goes, please have a basic understanding of the look and functionality of each century until the 20th, then know it by decade as it pertains to music and culture. How else are we going to be the hit at every single party? We are the chameleons of this world and we're legendary. Believe it.
f) In the realm of literature I'm only looking for a voracious reader, and your material should include classics, modern fiction, non-fiction and memoir. Please don't be obsessed with YA pap. I'm nearly finished writing my second novel. You will ask to read it because you care about me. If you're proud of anything you've written, I want to read it. If it's good I'll be your tireless PR man.
g) Science! This is the only real poetry available to us today. Gone are the Whitmans and Emersons; they've been replaced by pretentious invertebrates smearing poop on the side columns of the New Yorker. Lyricism is now found in the universe around us from the micro to macro-cosmic. Chances are you've already watched the Eames' mini-film "Powers Of Ten" (available on YouTube). And you already know about the contribution of Sagan and Kurzweil to post-modern society. Let's make-out.
8. A creative spirit and proponency for critical thought. Remember the old parlor days when friends would get together for the weekend, drink wine, write stories, perform theater, craft sonatas, put on costumes, sing, paint, play instruments and live like demigods? Let's bring it back, lady. To this end you will also need flawless grammar, spelling, reasoning, eloquence, musical inclination, and a complete absence of organized religion. You gotta know the rules before you break them. Sculpt something from the collective unconscious every day; it's the only truly paranormal thing I've witnessed in my lifetime. It's pure intoxication to drink in creativity and propose radical ideas, to experiment, to explore our vitality, to be cartographers of ever-approaching landscapes. I'm not talking about polyamorous orgies, which brings us to our next topic:
9. A devotion to monogamy and a lack of insecurity and jealousy. I will prove every day how singularly devoted I am to you. We will be each others' saviors. Are you friends with a lot of guys? I don't mind, because I trust you. I want to see you be popular, to see people hover around you, to hear your laugh in another room, for our eyes to meet with that knowing look that says "I'm going home with you tonight. You're all that matters". I used to do promo work, so I know a lot of beautiful women. I've known them for years and never dated them. Why? Because we're not compatible and we know it. I went without sex for almost three years in Los Angeles and I can go for ten more. Why? Because of everything you've read so far. I'm holding out for a woman who's the same dynamic bolt of lightning that I am. And there can be only one.
10. Have a sense of humor and "get a word in edgewise". I love to laugh and make people laugh. I'm funny. So are you! My humor runs from the high-brow of Maggie Smith in "Downton Abbey" to the slapstick of Peter Sellers in "The Pink Panther" to the crass trash of Divine in "Female Trouble" to the morose social criticism of Louie CK. I write stand-up material for a friend of mine, but I'm not a fan of most stand-up comedians for the sole reason that they traffic in cliches and shock value without any inspiration. I'd rather attend a fucking wake, which would probably be funnier. You'll notice I talk a lot. I've dated women who huffed and said "I couldn't get a word in edgewise the whole night". Darling, listen to me -- yes, you can. I love talkative women, and I'll always try to yield if something interesting is being said. The problem is I'm used to being the only entertaining person in a room. That is until I met you. Thank St. Peter and his whole angel/hooker choir we found each other.
Okay. I hope this post has helped you understand my value and why I'm looking for a woman of equal value. I'm a man, not a boy, looking for a woman, not a girl. Yet I hope to never lose the awestruck wonder of childhood where we sang, frolicked and got excited about stars, the moon, sunsets, wildlife and blooming flowers.
Of course, it's unfair for me to expect my soul-mate to know everything I know. I'm actually hoping you have expertise in areas I don't. I enjoy learning new things from someone I love. Mostly I want to be treated like I'm important. It should go without saying I will treat you with the same adoration and excitement. And I would also like to offer you free reading material, since I subscribe to the following magazines: Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, Travel + Leisure, High Fructose and Dwell (I love speculative and post-modern architecture from Gaudi to Gehry). Lucky us!
I have a new car, nice clothes and a cool apartment, but I'm not here to encourage the rampant low-class bourgoise attitudes of this sick fucking town. I've actually never heard a man say, "I like her, but she doesn't make a lot of money". If these words have ever passed through your lips about a man, you are a petulant entitled cavewoman and should stop reading immediately. However, this shouldn't concern you, my beautiful love, since you offer something comparable to everything I have. Right?
In the last relationship I was in, we talked of marriage. I believed (and was highly encouraged to believe) in our destiny together. Toward the end, which devastated me every day as I watched it inexorably approach, I just wanted to scream "Treat me like you love me! Treat me like I matter! Treat me like I'm worth the entire world to you!" Now I'm disassembling what I believed in memory by precious memory. Meeting you will eradicate this past. The problem I see in couples today who babble on about getting married is many of them think they don't have to start living the vows until they actually say them. Therefore, I won't even speak of a wedding until I've seen at least two years (trust me, there's always a hiccup at the two-year mark) of "in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, to love and cherish, til death do us part". The highlighted things are what most people fail at.
Now that last part about death -- do you know what it means? Please read the non-fiction book "Stiff" by Mary Roach, so I don't have to get into it here. Let me be clear: long before we talk of marriage -- if we know we're meant to be -- I will love the entirety of you. I will love the flaws of your skin, eyes and teeth. I will imagine your musculature, your organs, your skeleton, the tendons and joints that hold you together, and I will love them. I will love your beating heart and your electric brain, your serpentine spine and your every follicle of hair. AND I WILL TELL YOU. I will hold you close and love your decay throughout the years, the way well-maintained buildings oxidize and crumble yet we love them, and we travel thousands of miles to see the golden sunset on beautiful ruins. I believe that not even death will part us, my darling. Love is its own resurrection.
Please be capable of the same. Let us not fail one another. Let us be kind and never cruel. I love you and I am waiting for you. Hurry.
In the past seven years my standards were pretty low because I'd had my heart broken. You probably know the self-loathing that goes with that. I considered myself unworthy of better; why else would they have lost interest in me? For years all you had to do to get me to fall in love with you was string a couple of intelligent words together and rub my lower back in front of your friends. I was a sad sucker and I tended to attract women who wanted control over something in their life. So I'd simply surrender my power and watch it corrupt them (and our love) absolutely.
Los Angeles is a wasteland for finding a good woman, but I refuse to give up hope and I don't want to relocate. Nor do I want to join a dating site. I'm not desperate and I know my value.
Bear with me for a small sermon: In this town I often hear women sigh "I'm looking for a man, not a boy" and "I wish someone would just sweep me off my feet". These are the same women who secretly or openly fantasize about finding a wealthy man so they'll never have to work again. They text and tweet while driving erratically, make three-point turns in the middle of traffic, never have their shit together in the check-out line and turn their noses up at things just to appear sophisticated. They're what I call "post-feminists"; they feel entitled to the equality/comforts their foremothers fought so hard for, but don't want to lift a finger to earn them. They want men to do everything and they believe there's a Prince Charming out there who'll slave away while they get pedicures, gossip, eat sushi and emulate the insufferable nags they see on reality television. Even worse are the "artists" who enlist every horny man they know to "help" with a creative project, then take all the credit for simply showing up. I've seen that A LOT. I've watched the quality of women plummet in the last ten years and, trust me, I've been paying attention. The counterargument could be made that the same thing has happened to the quality of men, and it is more than likely true. My rebuttal to this is I'm not attracted to men and let me be clear: I AM QUANTIFIABLY AND PROFOUNDLY NOT ONE OF THOSE MEN.
There. The preaching stops. I know you're out there and I love you in advance. We're equals, the way it should be. I'm looking for a woman, not an emotionally immature valley girl. I want someone who'll sweep ME off my feet, not just with words, but with actions. And I solemnly swear to do the same. This blog is called "Lists Of Fury", and below is possibly the most passionate list I've ever put together. It's a list of ten traits I both possess and admire. If it makes you feel insecure, we're not compatible. If it makes you angry, we're not compatible. If it makes molten energy rise through your fingertips and all your synapses fire with the recognition of your soul-mate, please get in touch with me immediately. After all, we share these qualities and we belong together. Here they are:
1. A desire to always be nice, paired with a desire to avoid the willfully ignorant. This is how we can be appealing to everyone while never being taken advantage of. I like being nice. Do you like being nice? Sometimes it requires us to be a little bit phony. What's the harm if we make people happy? And if people treat us poorly we simply punish them with our absence.
2. A commitment to conflict resolution, paired with a desire for joyful outcomes. See how we never fight? There's no power struggle because neither of us wants to hurt the other. I only want to see you smiling, my love. It can be a cruel world. When outside circumstances make you weep, I'll be the shoulder, ear and arms you turn to. I'll be your vacation from the world. You'll say the exact same words to me and you'll prove it. You won't judge me weak if I cry. We should be emotional with each other. I'll never yell at you, never. Promise the same. We all make mistakes; we all have personality foibles. Were you looking for perfection? I'm not. I just want us to look at one another and exclaim, "At last I am home".
3. A desire for introspection and self-improvement. By now you're probably wondering if I'm a Scientologist. Nope. If you're a Scientologist please stop reading - we aren't compatible. All I'm saying is if you have a bad habit, I'll do my best to not give a shit. I'll lead by example. Maybe you'll notice I don't do the bad thing you do and stop doing it. I've got bad habits too. I'm working on them. All year long I think about ways I could be a better person. The work is never done, but it's very rewarding. I'm so glad you feel the same way. It's why we seem so balanced and why we're a perfect match. Damn, I love you so much.
4. A lack of fear and self-consciousness. This is a personal hurdle for me and I'm always striving with it. I'm committed to overcoming my phobias and apprehensions toward strangers, and situations beyond my control. I used to be afraid of dogs and spiders; now I'm not. I still freak-out when I'm thrust into crowded places or whenever I start a new job, but I've gotten better at internalizing it. Besides, we know it's only a few hours until we're in one another's arms again, the safest place of all.
5. An unobtrusiveness with pre-existing conditions & baggage from the past. Let me just confess right now I had an abusive father, I'm an ENTJ (according to the Meyers-Briggs study), a Libra on the cusp of Scorpio, and I may or may not be high-functioning Asperger's. Perhaps you'll see how this informs a lot of my behavior, but I hope it neither governs nor defines me. I don't want it to become a crutch or an excuse for why I'm behaving poorly. Maybe you were bullied as a teen, have scoliosis and a gluten allergy. Are our lives so boring that it's all we can talk about? Let us volunteer to help bullied teens, sit up straighter, quietly avoid gluten, and suppress that Scorpio urge without making it our sole identity.
6. A commitment to being healthy and living a long life. This covers a lot of ground. I (you) exercise 3 or more times a week for a 1/2 hour or more. I (you) don't smoke. I (you) drink only to cop a buzz but not to get shitty, and with less frequency than an alcoholic. I (you) have the discipline to avoid sugar, salt, fat, and big meals. Basically I believe in the old Mark Twain quote "All things in moderation, including moderation". I don't want a gym-obsessed hard body -- I also don't want a couch potato who can't say no to dessert. But that's not you. You look so sexy right now I can hardly stand it.
7. A passion for the arts, sciences and the avant-garde. Here's where it gets serious, hence the sub-topics. I have a broad knowledge of the history of art, music, theater, cinema, fashion, literature, science and technology. In my most recent failed relationship this was largely taken for granted and not considered valuable enough to be treated with the immense respect it deserves. If you love me, I will fill your life with exquisite music, innovative performances, dreamy landscapes, thrilling ideas, and the costume carnival of being alive. I've never asked a woman to match me in these areas, and I'm only doing it now so I can meet someone who finally understands what a gold mine it is. I'm absolutely indispensable and totally essential to your life. You'll never meet another man like me. If I could steal back what I gave the women of my past, they'd be left with 4 hours of bad music and a couple of crap DVDs. Here's a breakdown of what I'm hoping for:
a) I like Renaissance, Surrealism/Dada, Futurism, Cubism, Impressionism, Modernism, Realism and Pop Art. I'm not crazy about ethnic/folk art and I detest most Abstract Expressionism.
b) I can trace classical from Mozart to Arvo Part, blues from Robert Johnson to The Black Keys, jazz from Basie to Herbie, indie from Zappa to Sonic Youth. Personally my favorite music is 1960s psychedelic rock, which is why I'm excited about new bands like Tame Impala,The Black Lips, etc. My knowledge, understanding of music and how it works is fucking sprawling. I can't stand most corporate music (or corporate anything, for that matter) or copycat fads, and I prefer organic instrumentation to electronic, although I make an EDM playlist every year because I have to know EVERYTHING. I even have a soft-spot for 70s schmaltz and 90s Norwegian Black Metal. A side note: you could wake me from a dead sleep and ask, "What song do you hate the most?" and I will always say, "What's Up" by 4-Non Blondes. If we date you'll have to be prepared to hear music, both harmonic and dissonant, almost every waking moment and, if I feel at ease around you, I'll sing and dance all the time. I'm no autocrat, and will cater to your taste as much as possible. You'll find it sexy and adorable when I'm interpreting "Monkey Man" by the Rolling Stones with all the lights off in your kitchen, just a nude silhouette moving toward you then suddenly leaping away beyond your grasp. Join me in the dark.
c) I like most theater except musicals. I prefer Albee to Simon, Ionescu to Brecht. I'll make exceptions if it's something you're passionate about. I love you so much. Just please know the difference between the sublime and utter crap.
d) I go back as far as Muybridge and Melies. I've seen thousands of movies. I like everything from high art costume dramas to cheapo exploitation. You at least have a basic understanding of the top directors working today and their filmographies. You recognize ponderous dreck and insincere demographic targeting. That's why we can watch Lawrence of Arabia then turn around and watch Gummo. But we won't watch Hasbro-adaptations and Tyler Perry movies (unless they're well reviewed).
e) As fashion goes, please have a basic understanding of the look and functionality of each century until the 20th, then know it by decade as it pertains to music and culture. How else are we going to be the hit at every single party? We are the chameleons of this world and we're legendary. Believe it.
f) In the realm of literature I'm only looking for a voracious reader, and your material should include classics, modern fiction, non-fiction and memoir. Please don't be obsessed with YA pap. I'm nearly finished writing my second novel. You will ask to read it because you care about me. If you're proud of anything you've written, I want to read it. If it's good I'll be your tireless PR man.
g) Science! This is the only real poetry available to us today. Gone are the Whitmans and Emersons; they've been replaced by pretentious invertebrates smearing poop on the side columns of the New Yorker. Lyricism is now found in the universe around us from the micro to macro-cosmic. Chances are you've already watched the Eames' mini-film "Powers Of Ten" (available on YouTube). And you already know about the contribution of Sagan and Kurzweil to post-modern society. Let's make-out.
8. A creative spirit and proponency for critical thought. Remember the old parlor days when friends would get together for the weekend, drink wine, write stories, perform theater, craft sonatas, put on costumes, sing, paint, play instruments and live like demigods? Let's bring it back, lady. To this end you will also need flawless grammar, spelling, reasoning, eloquence, musical inclination, and a complete absence of organized religion. You gotta know the rules before you break them. Sculpt something from the collective unconscious every day; it's the only truly paranormal thing I've witnessed in my lifetime. It's pure intoxication to drink in creativity and propose radical ideas, to experiment, to explore our vitality, to be cartographers of ever-approaching landscapes. I'm not talking about polyamorous orgies, which brings us to our next topic:
9. A devotion to monogamy and a lack of insecurity and jealousy. I will prove every day how singularly devoted I am to you. We will be each others' saviors. Are you friends with a lot of guys? I don't mind, because I trust you. I want to see you be popular, to see people hover around you, to hear your laugh in another room, for our eyes to meet with that knowing look that says "I'm going home with you tonight. You're all that matters". I used to do promo work, so I know a lot of beautiful women. I've known them for years and never dated them. Why? Because we're not compatible and we know it. I went without sex for almost three years in Los Angeles and I can go for ten more. Why? Because of everything you've read so far. I'm holding out for a woman who's the same dynamic bolt of lightning that I am. And there can be only one.
10. Have a sense of humor and "get a word in edgewise". I love to laugh and make people laugh. I'm funny. So are you! My humor runs from the high-brow of Maggie Smith in "Downton Abbey" to the slapstick of Peter Sellers in "The Pink Panther" to the crass trash of Divine in "Female Trouble" to the morose social criticism of Louie CK. I write stand-up material for a friend of mine, but I'm not a fan of most stand-up comedians for the sole reason that they traffic in cliches and shock value without any inspiration. I'd rather attend a fucking wake, which would probably be funnier. You'll notice I talk a lot. I've dated women who huffed and said "I couldn't get a word in edgewise the whole night". Darling, listen to me -- yes, you can. I love talkative women, and I'll always try to yield if something interesting is being said. The problem is I'm used to being the only entertaining person in a room. That is until I met you. Thank St. Peter and his whole angel/hooker choir we found each other.
Okay. I hope this post has helped you understand my value and why I'm looking for a woman of equal value. I'm a man, not a boy, looking for a woman, not a girl. Yet I hope to never lose the awestruck wonder of childhood where we sang, frolicked and got excited about stars, the moon, sunsets, wildlife and blooming flowers.
Of course, it's unfair for me to expect my soul-mate to know everything I know. I'm actually hoping you have expertise in areas I don't. I enjoy learning new things from someone I love. Mostly I want to be treated like I'm important. It should go without saying I will treat you with the same adoration and excitement. And I would also like to offer you free reading material, since I subscribe to the following magazines: Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, Travel + Leisure, High Fructose and Dwell (I love speculative and post-modern architecture from Gaudi to Gehry). Lucky us!
I have a new car, nice clothes and a cool apartment, but I'm not here to encourage the rampant low-class bourgoise attitudes of this sick fucking town. I've actually never heard a man say, "I like her, but she doesn't make a lot of money". If these words have ever passed through your lips about a man, you are a petulant entitled cavewoman and should stop reading immediately. However, this shouldn't concern you, my beautiful love, since you offer something comparable to everything I have. Right?
In the last relationship I was in, we talked of marriage. I believed (and was highly encouraged to believe) in our destiny together. Toward the end, which devastated me every day as I watched it inexorably approach, I just wanted to scream "Treat me like you love me! Treat me like I matter! Treat me like I'm worth the entire world to you!" Now I'm disassembling what I believed in memory by precious memory. Meeting you will eradicate this past. The problem I see in couples today who babble on about getting married is many of them think they don't have to start living the vows until they actually say them. Therefore, I won't even speak of a wedding until I've seen at least two years (trust me, there's always a hiccup at the two-year mark) of "in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, to love and cherish, til death do us part". The highlighted things are what most people fail at.
Now that last part about death -- do you know what it means? Please read the non-fiction book "Stiff" by Mary Roach, so I don't have to get into it here. Let me be clear: long before we talk of marriage -- if we know we're meant to be -- I will love the entirety of you. I will love the flaws of your skin, eyes and teeth. I will imagine your musculature, your organs, your skeleton, the tendons and joints that hold you together, and I will love them. I will love your beating heart and your electric brain, your serpentine spine and your every follicle of hair. AND I WILL TELL YOU. I will hold you close and love your decay throughout the years, the way well-maintained buildings oxidize and crumble yet we love them, and we travel thousands of miles to see the golden sunset on beautiful ruins. I believe that not even death will part us, my darling. Love is its own resurrection.
Please be capable of the same. Let us not fail one another. Let us be kind and never cruel. I love you and I am waiting for you. Hurry.
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